


First & Foremost

by bzou



Category: Persona 4
Genre: M/M, P4 cast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-11-20 16:44:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bzou/pseuds/bzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Souji strikes up a relationship with Yukiko, Yosuke is left to his own devices again. But why is he so sour towards their relationship? Dealing with a new spectrum of emotions and how he views his best friend, he must learn what - and who - should become the priority when making difficult decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hail the Conquering Hero

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Persona 4 fic, so bear with me here! It was inspired and named after the song First & Foremost by Ten Second Epic. I do not own the rights to the song, nor do I own the rights to the characters depicted in the story or the worlds. This is merely a work of fanfiction.

He could remember the day Souji started dating Yukiko. Sprawled out on the floor of his room, once organizing his stack of CDs before he gave up and flopped back on the hardwood, phone perched precariously between his ear and shoulder one Friday night.

"Yeah, yeah, we all know you're a ladykiller." He grumbled into his cell phone, aimlessly picking up CD cases and holding them high above his head before flicking them into the disarray that surrounded him. So much for organizing them alphabetically.

Souji laughed on the other end, his voice tinny, but still held all the warmth Yosuke knew. "I wouldn't say I'm that."

"You kidding?" Yosuke furrowed his brow, half at his friend's ridiculous statement and half at the CD he was holding (he was sure he had flicked this on his bed earlier for later listening). "Yesterday, you were shopping with Ai. Monday you were chilling with Rise. Sunday, you were training with Chie. Tuesday, you were acting out a love scene with Yumi, and today you were out with Yukiko." Another flick of a CD case and the clatter of plastic on wood. "You could get any girl you want and you're still single. How do you do it, dude?"

"Not anymore." He could practically hear Souji grinning on the other end.

Yosuke paused, arms frozen above him, a CD case open – empty – trying to comprehend what he just heard. "Wait... what?" He sat up, tossing the empty case aside, forgotten, his hair and shirt completely dishevelled.

"I'm not single anymore." Souji stated matter-of-factly. "I asked Yukiko to be my girlfriend-"

"And she said yes?!" Yosuke exclaimed. "You actually conquered the Amagi Challenge?!"

Souji laughed. "I guess you could say that." Why was Yosuke so surprised? If anyone could conquer the challenge, it would be Souji. And, surprise surprise, he did.

"I thought you weren't interested in her?" Yosuke squinted in accusation, feeling a little jealous. He got shot down the second he asked Yukiko out, and, worse yet, slapped at a misunderstanding of wanting to hook up with her. He winced, remembering the girl had quite the hand on that otherwise delicate wrist.

"I didn't really know at the time."

Yosuke flopped back on the floor again, his head bouncing off the hardwood, accompanied by an "ow" that had no pain behind it. He listened to Souji while the boy explained how it came to be uninterrupted.

"Man..." Yosuke whistled. "Either every guy in school is going to hate you, or praise you." As if they didn't enough already, he thought to himself. Souji laughed again, and Yosuke could hear a smaller voice on the other end. He couldn't hear much, but the telltale "Big bro" told him Nanako had walked in.

"Alright, I'll be there in a minute." Yosuke heard Souji say away from the phone before he returned with a slight sigh. "Sorry, Nanako had a bad dream. I'm going to go read her a story until she falls asleep." Yosuke smiled to himself. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah." He sighed, fingering the corner of a CD case absent mindedly. "I'll see you tomorrow, Big Bro Souji." And they hung up. Yosuke sat back up, looking around at the mess of CDs that was his room before he heard heavy footsteps and someone burst through his door.

"Yosuke!" Teddie cried, extending the end of his name into a whine. "Yosuke, Akiko died!" The boy wailed, and jumped half way across the room to jump on Yosuke, burying his face in the boy's shirt and sobbing uncontrollably.

"I told you, Ted," he began, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice, "it's just a show."

"I know that!" The boy bit back, temporarily forgetting to cry. "But she's still gone!"

Yosuke sighed. This was the reason why he didn't want Teddie watching cheesy soap operas. "They'll probably bring her back."

"Y-you think?" Teddie sniffled, looking up at him with watery eyes.

"Yeah. They'll all probably be at her funeral and someone'll barge in and announce she's not dead and she'll burst out of the casket or something stupid." He lost the air in his lungs when the boy pushed himself off of Yosuke and jumped up, clearly overjoyed at the revelation. It was then that he noticed the mess and asked what happened.

"Organizing CDs until Souji called." Yosuke stood up, rubbing the back of his head and kicking a few under his western style bed he begged his parents for.

"Sensei called and you didn't tell me?!" Teddie stomped his foot on the floor like a little kid.

"You were watching your show, I didn't wanna bug ya!" Yosuke lied, holding his hands up in defence. "Besides, it was guy talk. Nothing you'd really get."

"I can try!" Despite Teddie's search to score with a girl and his unbelievable charm over all females (and a few males), the boy – bear – did not understand the concept of a romantic relationship. "What did he say?" Teddie hopped up on Yosuke's bed and sat cross legged for story time. When Yosuke sighed and began picking up CDs quietly, the boy started hopping up and down on the mattress, rattling the CDs on top, his incessant "Tell me, tell me, tell me"s getting ever louder.

"Quiet, you'll piss off the neighbours again!" Yosuke hissed, but when the boy only got louder, he sighed and gave in. "Alright! Just stop all your bouncing and shut up." Teddie made a motion of zipping his lip and straightened his arms in the little ring his crossed legs made, waiting patiently but silently satisfied at his victory.

"Souji and Yukiko are going out now." This earned him a curious look. "Dating. They're dating."

"Oh! Sensei scored with Yukiko?!" Teddie looked shocked.

"No, he didn't score with her!" Yosuke shot at him. "They're just dating. Like boyfriend, girlfriend?" Teddie looked to be stumped with the concept, and Yosuke sighed. "Like Akiko and Yoh on your show?"

"Oh!" Teddie's eyes brightened at the example. "I'm so happy for Sensei!" He gleamed and began his hopping again. "Aren't you happy, Yosuke?"

Yosuke forced a weak smile. "Ecstatic."

 

"Hey, Souji!" Yosuke called to his best friend from down one of Yasogami's halls, jogging over lightly and ignoring the occasional glare his existence earned. "Wanna have lunch together today?"

"Err, sorry, Yosuke." Souji cast his eyes down and rubbed the back of his neck briefly; Yosuke's smile fell. "I already agreed to have lunch with Yukiko."

"Oh." Yosuke couldn't help but let a bit of his disappointment seep into his voice. He and Souji always ate lunch together; asking was just a formality, but lunch period was always reserved as their time together. With Souji being so popular and having a gajillion jobs, it was hard to fit into his friend's tight schedule after school or on Sundays, and the TV world only made their chilling time into killing time. Not to mention all their Investigation Team meetings and group hangouts. He never just got his best friend to himself anymore. "That's okay." He forced a smile to reassure the boy. Souji gave a small smile in return. "Make it up to you?"

"Yeah, how 'bout tomorr-"

"Ready to go?" Yukiko latched on to Souji's arm and smiled up at her new boyfriend. Souji smiled back and nodded.

"I'll call you later." He said quickly to Yosuke before being dragged up to the roof, Yukiko giggling all the way. Normally she would've said hello and most likely not interrupted, but she seemed distracted around Souji today. Yosuke sighed, letting his shoulders drop.

 

And that's how it began. Souji and Yukiko became near inseparable. At first, it didn't bother Yosuke all that much. Souji having lunch with her? That was fine, sometimes he didn't mind just unwinding with some tunes alone. Souji hanging out with her after school? That's alright, he really had to beat that level on his new video game. Souji cancelling study time to "study" with his girlfriend? No big deal, it was easier to focus this way.

But the less and less he saw his best friend, the more he started to shrink back into his old habits of lying and telling everyone he was fine with a big old fake smile plastered across his face.

"I am really sorry, Yosuke, but Yukiko invited me for the weekend to a special event the inn is holding." His best friend would tell him over the phone, cancelling plans for the umpteenth time that week. "Reschedule?"

"Oh, yeah, for sure!" He forced a grin, even if it went unseen over a phone line. "No problem, man, I'll just..." He racked his brain quick for something, anything that made him sound less like a loser. "I really need to go into the city, anyway. I gotta go pick up some stuff." Maybe he sounded cooler going into the city, responsible when it sounded like a necessity, and independent if he did it alone.

"You sure? I'm sure Yukiko wouldn't mind if I arrived la-"

"Positive." Yosuke cut him off. He wasn't going to be the clingy friend that was nothing without his other half. His best friend. He was an individual with his own life and own friends. Sort of. He didn't need Souji to have fun, it just sort of helped to have him around.

Souji made him laugh harder, made him smile wider, and gave him just a little extra boost of energy. Souji made him feel comfortable talking about Saki-senpai's death, made his shifts at Junes feel a little shorter, and his tunes a little more vibrant. Food tasted better, the air felt calmer, colours looked brighter.

Wow, that was a really gay inner monologue.

But, hey, all those things still existed without Souji, right? Maybe he'll hang out with Chie, or Teddie, or some of the lower class men. Maybe even Daisuke or Kou. Hell, he had a whole address book filled with people he could call up and invite out. He wasn't some shut-in with only one friend.

"Alright..." Souji sounded a little skeptical, and Yosuke could just picture him pursing his lips and staring at nothing in particular. Probably sitting at his desk, homework splayed out in front of him. So studious. Tapping his pencil against the table, letting the little rubber eraser bounce it back up. He heard a creak and a sigh – Souji probably leaned back in that squeaky desk chair. "How about Monday. You can come over since it's a holiday."

"Sounds good." He tried to sound bored, but ended up sounding just as unbelieving as of late. Souji kept penciling him in to his busy schedule, only to be erased and written over in permanent marker "SPEND TIME WITH YUKIKO", hearts filling up the little box.

"I promise." How many times had he heard that.

"Yeah, okay. Don't worry 'bout it."

 

 

"Thanks for helping me out." Yosuke sighed, placing the rewarding tray of steak in front of Chie. He slid out a plastic Junes chair and plopped himself down, stretching his legs out under the table and leaning his head all the way back, arms slung over the arm rests.

"It was my pleasure!" She sang, breaking her chopsticks and poking her payment. "But I thought you had the day off?"

"I did." He grumbled. "But I had nothing else to do today; may as well work." He let his head fall forward until his chin rested against his chest and crossed his arms. Souji had cancelled. Again. Promise my ass, he thought to himself miserably. The boy had apologized profusely, claiming Yukiko had made a surprise picnic ("She got help from the chef, so don't worry about me being food poisoned again.") and he would reschedule. Again.

Chie gave the sulking boy a worried look. "I know Souji and Yukiko have been together a lot lately," she sighed, "but you gotta admit, they do seem happier than before."

Yosuke felt a twinge in his chest upon hearing that. Yeah, he had noticed. Souji laughed harder, smiled wider, and had a small energy boost in everything he did. More than he ever had when hanging out with Yosuke. And from their late night talks, it wasn't because he was getting laid. Thank god, he thought to himself.

He furrowed his brow. Why had he thought that? What did it matter what they did behind closed doors? It was none of his business. Maybe... he was jealous his friend would be getting some and he wasn't? And from the school beauty, no less; even with Risette around, Yukiko was still number one. He shook his head. Whatever, those two could do anything they liked, it wasn't like he cared.

"It's still pretty early." Chie spoke up, sounding much more hesitant than her regular loud and slightly obnoxious self. "You... wanna go to the river?"

Yosuke offered an appreciative smile. Chie may insult him, cost him paychecks worth in steak, and kick him in areas only meant to be treated nicely, but she really was a good friend. She could always sense when Yosuke felt low, and she always tried to cheer him up. "Sure."

They walked down to the floodplain, Chie chattering on about one of her kung fu movies and Yosuke commenting whenever she'd let up for air.

"There was this really cool move the guy did!" She said enthusiastically, her fist tightened and she set herself in a determined stance. "He did this like flip, and then twirled, and then he kicked a few times and he totally knocked the guy flat on his back! I need to try that on the next Shadow we see."

"They do it with a harness; I don't think you'll be able to." Yosuke laughed, bending down and picking up a stone by the riverbed. "You gotta stop watching all those corny martial arts movies." He ran his thumb over one side before turning it over in his fingers and running it over the other side. Smooth. He smiled to himself, although small.

An image flashed in his mind's eye. Souji, sprawled out on the grass by the riverbed, his head turned towards Yosuke, his hand close enough to hold. His forehead was a little sweaty, his hair a grey mop, his knuckles a little bruised, and his lip was split. But he was laughing all the same. His face was red and dirty after brawling it out with Yosuke, the grin offsetting. His face...

Smooth...

"I so totally can do it!" Yosuke was brought back from his reverie with a swift kick to the shins. "Screw Shadows, the first one I'm using it on is you!"

He was thankful for the pain; it kept his mind on track. Because... what was that all about?


	2. Undisclosed Thoughts

As soon as the brass on brass clatter rang throughout the halls of Yasogami, Yosuke packed his things quietly and began to make his way for the roof for his lunch turned alone time when a hand on his shoulder stopped him. His back automatically stiffened and he could feel his heart flutter in his chest slightly. He knew the grip a little _too_ well, and could feel the heat through his uniform.

"Hey," an all too familiar voice said; a voice that felt like a worn out blanket – warm, familiar, yet nostalgic. Souji. "I made lunch today. Want to join me?"

"Y-yeah." Yosuke couldn't help the grin cracking across his otherwise gloomy face. "Of course, dude! You know I can never turn down a meal you made." Souji smiled, looking relieved. He nodded in the direction for the door, indicating to follow him to the roof.

The roof was relatively vacant, save for one girl who seemed to always be up here, rain or shine, marking down cloud patterns. The two boys ignored her, as she did them, and sat on the other side, in their usual spot. Souji pulled out his pristine boxed lunch from his bag and placed it between them, handing a pair of chopsticks to his friend. It felt like forever since he'd done that.

Yosuke had been so excited about finally spending some time with his best friend, he completely forgot that Yukiko had to help out at the inn today and was the reason Souji's lunch period was free for the taking. It felt like nothing had changed; they talked about school, friends, video games and the TV world. They talked about everything, nothing, and everything in between, dotted with Yosuke's praises for Souji's impeccable cooking skills.

"I'm sorry about cancelling yesterday." Souji began during a slight pause in their conversation due to Yosuke's full mouth. "I couldn't say no, though. It seemed like it meant a lot to her."

"Oh, yeah, no problem." Yosuke swallowed. "I hung out with Chie all day, 's no big deal." He shrugged. Well, at least it wasn't a complete lie.

"I've been doing that a lot lately, haven't I?" He chuckled lightly to himself. "I haven't been a very good friend."

"Wha-? No!" Yosuke practically dropped a ball of rice that sat between his chopsticks. "No, man, you're... you're a great friend." Souji gave him a half-hearted smile, and Yosuke felt his cheeks heat up slightly before he cast his eyes down. "I mean, I guess it kinda sucks that we haven't been hanging out lately, but you've got a girlfriend. I'd wanna spend all my time with her, too, if it was me."

He chanced a look up into those grey eyes and saw them shine slightly, nearly silver, and the smile warm up. "Tell you what." Souji set his chopsticks down. "We've got the weekend off. Saturday, I planned for us all to go into the TV for a little training, but how about we spend Sunday at my place. Movies, games, food. All my treat. I'll even tell Yukiko that I'll be busy that day."

Yosuke could feel the small flame of hope ignite in his chest, a rare occurrence these days. He felt like his friend really was going to keep this promise this time. And that thought, that little spark of hope of actually being able to see his best friend, being able to spend a _whole day_ with him, alone without any distractions, kept him going through his remaining periods, through his shift at Junes, through Teddie clutching him in the night and through the rest of the week, practically counting down the days until Sunday. Or until Souji would cancel.

* * *

"Attack directly, no need to waste any more energy than necessary." He saw Souji instruct, his finger pointing at Yosuke and to the joker-style Shadow covering its face with its abnormally large hands. Yosuke nodded his understanding and went at the enemy full force, using a hop, skip and a jump before landing the final blow, the Shadow bursting into a noxious cloud of black smog before dissipating into the air. Yosuke never thought he'd get used to the stench that followed a destroyed Shadow, but he felt a surge of energy from it now.

He removed his headphones in time to hear Rise cheering from the sidelines, Teddie joining in. He grinned at the praise, even if the Shadow had been outnumbered and well below their level of skill and strength. Souji rested one hand on his shoulder passing by and gave a proud smile, and Yosuke blushed under his gaze.

"Well done." His leader praised.

"I-it was nothing. Hell, even Rise could've kicked that one's ass." Yosuke laughed nervously.

"I heard that!" He heard Rise both shout from across the room and in his head, causing him to wince and the others to laugh.

"Alright, let's find the staircase and head up to the next floor; we're all clear here." Souji directed, wiping his palm on his pants' leg before standing up straight and stretching his neck. Everyone filed back into the formation they were given before entering: Souji leading, followed by Rise, Chie, Teddie, Yukiko, Kanji, and Yosuke making up the end. He would've been disappointed acting as the caboose to their human train, but Souji explained to him long ago that he trusted Yosuke in that spot the most.

"You're the strongest out of the rest." He had told him one day after a gruelling session of training, stopping Yosuke before returning to Junes for a quick word. "And that's the most important spot in the line-up."

"How?" Yosuke had pouted, glaring a bit at his friend. It was the ass of their procession.

"Because if a Shadow sneaks up on us, you'll be the first to take it down." His leader had smiled. "Chie wouldn't have quick enough reflexes, Yukiko wouldn't have the attack power, Kanji would probably not hear it, and Teddie wouldn't know how to react in a situation like that. I trust you the most, because even though you've got these on," he tapped Yosuke's headphones hanging around his neck lightly, "you're still the most aware. And no one's as fast – or as ruthless – as you. I know you can protect the rest in the blink of an eye, and not let the enemy get the upper hand."

Yosuke never complained about being at the end again after that, and, in fact, would be insulted if he was replaced.

"Senpai," Rise stopped suddenly and Souji held up one hand to halt the others, "I'm sensing one Shadow ahead of us." Right in their path to the staircase. Yosuke hated the Shadows that seemed to seep through the walls when they weren't looking, especially if they had already cleared a floor. It just slowed them down.

"Alright, Yosuke," Souji addressed him directly and he stood to attention, "I need you up here with me; Kanji, you take Rise's place; Chie, you take the end." Everyone rearranged themselves, Yosuke taking the spot next to Souji, Kanji and Yukiko coming up behind. "Everyone else, keep a five pace distance, no need to get everyone involved."

The four starters ran ahead to meet the shadow. Much to Yosuke's displeasure, it was a knight on his valiant steed. It lunged towards them, Yosuke being quick and light on his feet and dodging the lance that imbed into the spot he had been only seconds before.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Souji pointing in directions and quickly looked over.

"...-er there. Yosuke, get behind it and wait until it's down." He read. He hesitated for a second, just... staring. When Souji gave him an alarmed look, clearly thinking the boy had been struck with an ailment, Yosuke snapped out of his daze and rushed over to his spot, the four of them forming a tight ring around the enemy.

The knight wasn't weak to wind, so Yosuke was put on defense. If someone fell victim to a brutal assault, he was to heal them, or if someone needed help up or to snap out of a spell, he was to aid them. So he really didn't need to pay much attention to the enemy itself, especially now that it had its full attention on his three team members and he was hidden from its sight. He was free to watch his leader for further instructions.

He had never noticed the way Souji held himself in battle. He'd stand up straight, leaving himself wide open when instructing pathways or tactics, his sword held lazily in one hand. Yosuke could never hear anyone during a battle, or even just walking around a dungeon since he always wore his headphones, but he'd learned how to read lips long before he even moved to Inaba. It came in handy, especially when Souji would be inflicted with Silence and could only move his mouth – that's when Yosuke would have to act as a translator for the others. But, now...

"Yosuke, Kanji needs healing." He saw the boy say, and he quickly snapped back to reality and ran over to help Kanji up and quickly heal his wounds, resuming his position once complete.

The battle was an easy one. Although the knight did have thick skin, rendering their attacks weak, it mostly charged up any attack and left itself wide open and susceptible to a barrage of fire and electricity.

Yosuke watched Souji call his persona. He watched the boy shatter the ghostly card in his hand and muster up his internal strength to summon a powerful spell. He watched his eyes dart around the room, calculating possibilities as well as keeping an eye on his teammates and enemy. He watched the boy deal out commands.

He watched his mouth. He watched, completely entranced with the way his lips moved. How the upper would worry the bottom as he thought of what to tell the others, how they'd part ever so slightly after dodging an attack and take in a slow, but steady breath, how they would purse when the enemy would charge up for the nth time that battle. How they'd move against each other at every command. Yosuke wasn't paying attention to what was being said anymore, just the fact that something was being said at all.

"Yosuke." They formed, and he didn't process the word. "Yosuke!"

He felt the wind knocked right out of him and went flying across the room, hitting the wall devastatingly, his headphones knocked off his head to hang uselessly around his neck, music still blaring out from them. His ears rang from the sudden strike, but he could vaguely make out shouts of his name and the crackle of lightning.

When the smell of a Shadow's death made its way over to him, he looked up to see Souji rushing over to where he was crumpled, the others closely behind.

"Yosuke," Souji kneeled before him, his sword clattering on the ground, "can you hear me?" Yosuke let his head loll on his shoulders to look up at the boy, eyes filled with worry directed at him.

"Yeah..." He said, his voice groggy and breath raspy. "Didn't expect to be blind-sided like that." He offered a weak, but goofy, grin, but received only a tight mouth and furrowed brows.

"Yosuke, what were you thinking?" Souji said sharply, moving aside for Yukiko to move in to heal the boy. Yosuke's smile faded and a silence fell over the group, the only sound being the distant roars of Shadows and the notes still boisterous through his headphones.

Souji stood up and half turned to the others. "Let's go up to the next floor and then call it a day." He turned back to Yosuke to give him a stern look – disappointment? – before he began leading the way again. Kanji helped Yosuke to his feet, slinging one of the boy's arms over his shoulders and helped him walk the rest of the way to the staircase.

Yosuke couldn't have felt lower. He hadn't been paying attention during a battle, something he'd _never_ done before, and gotten himself nearly knocked out because he let his guard down. And now because he felt exhausted from that one blow, he couldn't continue on. His energy was completely sapped, and now everyone else had to halt their training.

And that look. That look Souji had given him. "What were you thinking?" _I was thinking about you..._

* * *

"Yosuke, a word?" Souji stopped the boy from crawling back through the TV. Yosuke looked and felt worn-out, but he stopped nonetheless. Everyone else had already gone through, leaving him and his discontent leader alone. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Not really, but I've been hit by wor-"

"I mean, mentally." Souji looked suspicious, but worried. "You've never been so oblivious in a battle before."

Yosuke didn't know how to respond and simply stared back until he couldn't stare anymore and chose to look down at his wrenches, wringing them tightly in his hand. He felt like a little kid being scolded for eating the last cookie from the cookie jar.

"You were staring right at me when I was giving you direct orders. You've never missed one before, even when you wear those. If those headphones are going to become a proble-"

"They're not a problem." Yosuke quickly shot, his eyes darting up to meet the other boy's. "I was just... kind of out of it. Sorry. It won't happen again."

Souji sighed exasperatingly. "I hope not. It's one thing endangering yourself, but what if it had been your job to heal someone, or to-"

"I said it won't happen again." Yosuke snapped. He messed up once, everyone got one chance to screw up. The others had messed up a butt load of times, this was his only offense.

"Yosuke, that's not the poi-"

"Then what is? This is my first screw up and I get scolded, but the others are free to fuck up whenever they want and get off scott free?"

"I don't expect them to mess up that badly." Souji said brusquely and Yosuke shut up. "I have completely different expectations from you. That wasn't just a slip up out there today. You were lucky you got the blunt end of that lance, but if that thing had decided to stab and not whack you with it..." Souji trailed off, but his eyes never looked away. Yosuke had to tear his away first, but not before he saw the steely eyes soften. "It's not a matter of letting you off the hook after not paying attention once; it's a matter of you knowing that you could've died from your blatant disregard of the situation. You need to be focused at all times, and usually... you're so good, Yosuke. What were you thinking of out there?"

_You._ "Nothing."

Souji looked unconvinced, but was clearly not going to press the matter further. He let Yosuke go through the exit first before he followed behind, leaving the conversation behind them.


	3. Irrepressible

Yosuke shoved Teddie over to the other side of the bed, but the boy clung to him like a leech. Normally, he wouldn't be as persistent as he was to have his own space in his own bed, but after the tense confrontation in the TV world, he wanted some damn space.

He huffed, trying to pry the smaller boy from his body, using his arm like a crowbar. After repeatedly trying for a few hours, he sighed and gave up, yanking the covers back over himself. He supposed this had to be better than Teddie sleeping in his own bed. He'd learned his lesson the hard way that Teddie wandered in the night to curl up somewhere else, most of the time in bed with him. He'd tripped over him in the hallway, woken up to find him in a pile of dirty laundry, curled under a coffee table, coiled in the bathtub, and, on one frightful occasion, under his bed – after waking up to use the bathroom, he felt a hand reach out and grab his ankle. Suffice to say, he no longer needed to use the bathroom after that.

For a while, he even used to welcome another warm body into his bed so he wouldn't feel quite so lonely at night. Although he'd never admit to it aloud. But tonight, he didn't want the warm body lying next to him – and half on top – to be Teddie. He wanted it to be...

_Souji._

He shook the thought away as soon as it had popped into his head. Souji was his friend, his _best_ friend. They'd had sleepovers before, but always in separate beds. The closest he'd ever been to a sleeping Souji had been the school campout, and it was either that or the rock that would've surely given him a curved back after one night.

Souji was a peaceful sleeper. Yosuke never would've guessed, the way the boy was constantly running around, working one of his many part time jobs, shopping, or hanging out with someone, not to mention the way he completely changed into the fearless leader when in the TV. But when he slept, when he finally stopped moving for a few seconds and shut his eyes, he looked...

Yosuke sighed. He needed to sleep. He closed his eyes and willed the switch in his head that usually enabled a deep slumber to flip. He tried clearing his thoughts, but the sleeping apparition of Souji kept drifting lazily back in.

The way his silky grey hair fell into his eyes, just barely brushing the tips of his eyelashes; his breathing coming in deep and steady through his nose – sometimes accompanied with a small but serene hum; his mouth relaxed and, when Yosuke could tell he was fast asleep, his lips slightly parted so he could see that sliver of black. Yosuke had pegged Souji to sleep like a soldier: stiff as a board, hands folded over his stomach and mouth set in a tight and disapproving line, brows crinkled together in perpetual anger or frustration, but in reality, the boy would bend his legs up slightly and his hand would come to rest near his face. He didn't stir much in his sleep, just a slight rustle here or a small jostle there.

Yosuke was usually the last to wake up of the two, but one time he actually witnessed the boy's rising, and he could've sworn he was intoxicated or something. His eyes would flutter open, a smile slowly pulling at the corners of his mouth, and he'd just... lie there. Soak up the warmth of his futon, until he slowly rose up like a... a...

 _An angel_.

Dammit. Like a... zombie. Not an angel. Angels were what chicks used to describe things, not guys.

Yosuke certainly woke up like a zombie. Moaning and groaning, flipping over like a flapjack, smacking the pillow over his face to block out the sun's harmful rays until he jerked himself up, looking as dead as he felt.

Okay, enough _thinking_ about sleep, how about some actual shut eye? Yosuke began counting sheep hopping over a fence, but once he realized it wasn't working, he began counting Teddies hopping over TVs in his bear suit. It oddly helped, and he knew he was half asleep by the time he imagined Kanjis hopping over giant plush sheep like he was playing leapfrog.

Thank god he quickly fell asleep after that.

 

* * *

 _Ding... ding... ding..._ Yosuke realized he may have been holding down the doorbell a little longer than was typical, but he was slow to remove his finger. He shuffled on the Dojimas' front step, removing his headphones and turning off his mp3. He pulled at the hem of his shirt a bit – a fruitless attempt to straighten out his tee – and smoothed out his jeans a bit as well. He didn't quite know why he was being so nitpicky today about himself; it must've been from his lack of sleep the night before.

Geez, he was so early. What if Souji wasn't even awake yet? Nah, there was no way Mr. Perfect would sleep past eleven, even on a Sunday. What if he was out with Yukiko? Yosuke checked his phone quickly, but not messages, so he guessed he was safe. Then what was taking him so long? Oh god, what if he was still pissed about yesterday and refused to open the door?

As if on cue, the front door slid open to reveal a half dressed Souji, water droplets clinging to his bare chest and his hair a tangled and damp mess. Yosuke turned as red as his jeans.

"You're early." Souji grinned. "I'm not even ready yet. Have you eaten?" His best friend stepped aside to allow a blushing Yosuke to pass by him and enter the house.

"N-not really," he stuttered out, "but I'm okay." He didn't have much of an appetite this morning. He took in the living room and saw the spot in front of the TV was vacant. "Nanako-chan out?"

"Yeah, she's at a friend's for a play date all day." Souji smiled and swept Yosuke's shoes lightly further over to the side with his foot so no one tripped. "It's good for her to get out every once in a while."

"And Dojima?"

"Work. He was called in early this morning. Only had enough time to make a pot of coffee; would you like some?" Souji removed the pot from the counter and held it up for Yosuke, but the boy shook his head and Souji shrugged, taking out one mug and pouring himself some.

Alone. They were all alone today. Suddenly, the trickling of the coffee into the mug seemed a lot louder than it was and Yosuke swallowed hard.

He cleared his throat just to kill the deafening silence. "I'm... really sorry about, ya know... yesterday." He said awkwardly, redirecting his gaze down to the table and blushing profusely.

"Don't." He looked up to see Souji smiling and shaking his head. "Today is a day to kick back. What happens in the TV and in the investigation can be left for tomorrow." He leaned back against the counter and sipped his coffee – black. "In the TV, I'm your leader, but out here, I'm just your partner."

Yosuke couldn't help the unseen forces tugging at the corners of his mouth until he was full blown grinning at the boy.

"So what's the plan for today, partner?" He used the nickname he had been finding to be a lie lately, but in that instance, it felt as natural as breathing.

"First," Souji swallowed his mouthful of coffee and set the mug on the counter, "I'm going to finish getting dressed. Unless you want me to be shirtless all day." He raised one eyebrow as a joke, but ended up looking accusatory.

Yosuke felt his face get hot, all the way down to his neck, but if Souji noticed, he said nothing. "Y-yeah," his voice cracked and he cleared his throat, his face reddening more so as Souji chuckled, "you go do that, man. I'll just hang down here."

Souji laughed and made his way back up to his room, and Yosuke's eyes couldn't help but follow him until he had rounded a corner and disappeared from sight, his gaze still set on where the boy had vanished, the sound of a heavy jog up the stairs providing the image for him. His traitorous eyes unwittingly soaked up that Souji's belt had been undone, as was his button, and his fly had been a little low.

 _Dammit._ What was wrong with him? Hell, he'd seen the guy in his boxers before, but he was getting nervous and jittery just from seeing him without a shirt and his pants a little undone? _Dammit. Dammit, dammit, shit, goddammit._

The string of curses in his mind had been interrupted when he heard the footsteps begin to return and his friend came back into sight, doing up the last couple of buttons on his shirt and his hair looking neater, though no less wet.

"Want to play videogames upstairs, or shall I bring everything down here?" He asked, taking the last sip of his coffee before he rinsed and washed the mug quickly, setting it to dry in the dish rack. Yosuke offered a goofy grin and followed the boy up to his room.

The afternoon passed by as if nothing had ever happened between the two. They never once mentioned Yukiko, or any of the others for that matter, and didn't talk about the investigation either. It felt like old times, and soon enough, Yosuke felt like his old self again. No strange thoughts about Souji or nervousness that came from contact with his best friend – in fact, he kicked him a few times after Souji had knocked out his character in jest.

"Aw, man, I'm starved!" Yosuke exclaimed in the late afternoon, flopping back on Souji's floor, his statement punctuated by his stomach growling loudly, which only set the two boys off on another laughing fit that even gave Yukiko a run for her money.

"Aiya or Souzai Daigaku?" Souji was sitting next to the boy before he, too, flopped back and half-rolled over him enough to be leaning over without touching.

"Uh..." Yosuke's mind drew a complete blank seeing Souji hover over him like that, his heart thumping so loud in his chest he swore Souji could hear it, too. If he reached up, he could easily pull the boy down to him... "Y-you choose."

Souji laughed. "Well how hungry are you?" He placed one hand firmly on Yosuke's stomach and felt it tighten under his touch, only to have it rumble softly again. Yosuke's breath hitched and he held it, his face now growing blue in addition to red to create a nearly unflattering purple.

"I-I..." He cleared his throat. If he just lifted his face slightly, he could...

Yosuke rolled away from Souji and on to his stomach, pushing himself up into a sitting position. His face was unbearably hot and he must've looked absolutely ridiculous. He hid his tomato face away from his friend before muttering a quick "Aiya" and standing up to leave the room.

"Making me pay for all those cancellations, now, are we?" Souji sighed, but there was a hint of something else in his voice. His usual playful, joking tone had been replaced by one that felt... _predatory._ It sent chills up and down Yosuke's spine and he felt his chest tighten with each breath.

Things may have felt ordinary, but today was far from it.

 

* * *

At lunch, Yosuke noticed Souji leaning a little too closely to whisper something in his ear; his head would rest lazily in his hand while his other would wander, sometimes to Yosuke's knee; every raise of noodles or beef to his lips deliberate; and, the strangest of all, his eyes were half-lidded and filled with something other than his good-natured amusement.

Yosuke wrote it off as nothing. His friend _couldn't_ have been doing this on purpose; he was his best friend, a guy, and in a relationship! But he still couldn't help but feel like the boy was coming on to him. In the middle of their small town's diner, no less.

After thanking the chef and Souji for lunch, they headed back to the Dojima residence for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Once through the door, shoes kicked off, Souji sighed.

"I should make lunch for tomorrow now." He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, scratching the back of his head as he scanned the contents for something he could use. "I'm going to have to pick Nanako up tonight after you leave, I don't think I'll have enough time to do it then."

"Uh, alright. I'll just watch some T-"

"I can teach you if you want." Souji cut him off and looked over at him with a smirk. "That way you can make your own and stop eating mine."

Yosuke thought about it for a moment. It certainly would be more entertaining than just watching TV, and he _was_ supposed to be spending the day with his best friend. "Yeah, okay, that sounds cool."

He walked over to help the boy with his preparations, listening to his instructions intently. Yosuke was given the task of chopping up the vegetables while Souji began preparing the meat, the rice cooker out and already doing its job.

Yosuke was awful in the kitchen. He claimed he could boil an egg, but even _that_ was a bit of a challenge for him when it came to peeling off the shell. He wasn't the domestic type, so this did not come easily to him. He always figured when he was old enough to move out and back to the city, he'd be eating out every night or instant noodles at home. He made a _mean_ instant noodles.

"You're chopping them to big." Souji commented when he looked over at his friend's station. Yosuke grumbled – he couldn't even cut up a measly vegetable properly.

He felt something press up against him from behind and hands on his hips and he froze instantly, his whole body tensing at the unexpected and foreign touch.

"You need to relax, loosen up a bit." The hands on his hips pushed them to sway with the hips behind him until they gave up their rigidness. The hands travelled up, rubbing his sides up and down, lifting his shirt slightly. He could feel his blood pumping exuberantly in his ears to the point he couldn't tell if the other was talking or not, but judging from the steady stream of warm puffs on the back of neck and shoulder, the boy was silent. When he swore he felt a pair of lips press to his shoulder blade, it only confirmed it further.

His head was spinning and his lungs tightening. A pair of hands covered his and guided them to cut the ingredients the proper way. His hands were limp in the others, and if they hadn't been there, he surely would've dropped the knife. His hands twitched when he felt another kiss, this time to the back of his neck, and the hands let go of his and the body moved away. When he dared to look behind him at the other, he saw Souji's finger was cut and bleeding a small ribbon of red.

"I-I'm sorry!" Yosuke squeaked. He was answered with a shrug and was treated to the sight of Souji sucking on the scratch to stop the bleeding. He thought his legs couldn't have felt any more wobbly than they did five seconds ago, but he felt if he didn't sit down now, he was going to collapse and probably hit his head on the counter on the way down.

"You should really be doing this." Souji muttered and Yosuke looked up at the boy, confused and still light-headed from before. His question was answered swiftly when Souji had stepped closer to loom over him, his injured finger out of his mouth now and poked at Yosuke's lips until they separated and it slipped in.

Yosuke was as still as a stone statue. What was happening? Why was Souji staring down at him like that, a blank but nevertheless ominous look on his face? Why could he feel the pad of Souji's finger press down on his tongue and move into his mouth further? Better yet, _why was he not stopping this?_

He was a guy, and Souji was a guy. He liked girls, dammit, not guys. And even if he _did_ , he'd never dream of hooking up with his _best friend_.

...Did he?

Souji was indeed a guy, but... he was _Souji_. He wasn't just _a_ guy, he was just Souji. He was one of those people Yosuke saw as just being themselves, not being their gender or age or ethnicity. The thought of doing this with a guy did not appeal to Yosuke, but Souji was different. He always was, and even in this context, his friend was special.

A special exception.

As this realization dawned on Yosuke, he felt something flip on in his brain – or snap, because the next second, he was sucking on the boy's finger, his eyes daring to look up at the boy as he did so. His hands clung lightly to his friend's elbow when a second finger began to graze across his bottom lip until it, too, joined its brother in the wet recesses that was Yosuke's mouth. He began sucking harder, his tongue parting the fingers, and he groaned when they withdrew, opening his eyes – he hadn't even known he had shut them at some point.

There was a creak and he saw Souji lean over Yosuke, one arm supporting him on the back of the chair, before he began to lean down towards the boy. The other hand came to rest firmly on Yosuke's shoulder and keep him in place; Yosuke tensed and froze at the touch.

"W-wait!" He stuttered, his voice a little hoarse. Souji stopped only a few inches from his own face and he shivered under the steely gaze. "W-we shouldn't-"

"I see the way you look at me." Souji interrupted, his voice low and stable. Yosuke swallowed hard. How had he known? How had he been looking at him? Hadn't he just been looking at him as he normally would, as _anyone_ normally would?

"W-what do you mean?"

"You've thought about this." Souji ignored the question. "I know you have. I can tell that's what you think about when you stare at me."

Thought about what? Thought about... about _kissing_ Souji?! Maybe... _wondered_ – sometimes curiosity got the best of him and he'd wonder – but it's not like he thought about this in bed at night or in the shower and used his friend like some creepy pervert.

...Had he?

His whirlwind of thoughts was cut short when he saw Souji lean in closer again and another thought entered his mind, one he hoped might stop his friend and his head spinning in every direction. "But what about Yukiko?"

Souji stopped suddenly and turned his head down slightly so the fringe of his hair covered his eyes, then abruptly stood up straight again and went back to the kitchen counter, cleaning up the mess from cooking.

"You can go upstairs," he said quietly without turning around, "I'll be up in a minute."

Yosuke, still in a daze, stood up and lumbered his way over to the stairs and to the boy's room. Had he dreamt the entire thing? Had he actually collapsed in the kitchen and hit his head on the counter and was actually lying on the floor completely unconscious? Maybe he never even came over today, and he was still in bed at home with Teddie hogging the blankets and kicking Yosuke half way off the bed.

But... the way those hands had felt on his hips, the feeling of that mouth press against the back of shoulder, that look in the boy's eyes...

 _"You've thought about this._ "

No, that was all too real to be a dream.

But it still felt surreal. Not just what was happening between him and his best friend, but the electrifying sparks of an impending change occurring within Yosuke's head.

He wasn't like that. He wasn't interested in guys. He wasn't interested in his best friend. Not like _that_. But every time they'd be hanging out together, working at Junes, whispering answers (well, _Souji_ whispering answers) in class, or duking it out with monsters in the TV world, he had felt... _something_.

He just thought it was his first real friend. Souji stood by him and comforted him when he was dealing with Saki's death, had yelled at perfect strangers for talking smack behind Yosuke's back, or to his face, and he was there to witness Yosuke at his worst.

And he still wanted to be friends with him. After all of that, after knowing he was hated by the town just for being the son of the manager of a department store, after seeing he was a complete clueless klutz who couldn't steer a bike straight, a daydreamer who never paid attention in class, and an absolute obnoxious asshole as his shadow had pointed out.

The others weren't there to see his encounter with his shadow, and neither he nor Souji – not even Teddie – had told the others what had happened in the TV world's warped liquor shop, but they were all his friends regardless. They accepted him, joked around with him, were never fake or using him for an in with Junes.

But then... why did he feel different about Souji? He always chocked it up to him being his first real best friend, but it felt deeper than that. Hell, he'd take a hit that could potentially kill him for this boy, and have on a few occasions. He'd never done that for Chie, or Kanji, or Yukiko. Only Souji.

Why did he always lean into every touch he received from his leader? Why did he always whisper directly in his ear instead of around the vicinity of his head? Why did he always awake to find himself curled closer to Souji when they held sleepovers?

And why, oh _why_ , had he been staring at his mouth yesterday? Or blushing when he saw him shirtless? Or sucked on his _goddamn finger_ like it was...

"I still owe you an asskicking in..." Souji backed into the door, opening it, but stopped short when he saw Yosuke sitting on his bedroom floor quietly. "You haven't booted it up yet?"

"What?" Yosuke asked, genuinely confused after being brought out of his thoughts so violently without figuring out anything yet. "O-oh, no. Sorry. I was waiting for you." He watched Souji shrug and walk over to the TV and videogame system to set things up.

Maybe he had dreamt it all. Souji was acting as if nothing happened downstairs in the Dojimas' kitchen; he was back to his old self, tossing a controller at Yosuke and flopping down on the couch, one leg dangling over the arm rest.

His face was awfully close, Yosuke noted. Not as close as before, when Souji had been leaning in, and he could feel his warm breath on his lips and spreading across his cheeks like mist over a lake. How his whole vision had blurred until he couldn't even see Souji's face anymore and it all became this one beautiful mess of colours. He was so close he could see every long eyelash that defined the boy's silver gaze.

"Are you going to choose?" Souji nudged the boy with his elbow.

"Oh, y-yeah." Yosuke snapped back to reality and the characters depicted on the screen and chose his favourite character. After a few battles, he tried to stay focused, but his mind kept drifting back to the boy lying behind him, his senses completely honing in on every small, breathy laugh; every slight movement and shift on the couch; every small hum of approval or groan of disapproval. It took what little focus he had left over to _not_ turn around and just stare at the boy, maybe even lean in just as his friend had done before, and-

"You're really out of it today." Souji paused the game and propped himself up on one elbow, staring down at his friend. "Are you feeling alright?"

Yosuke looked back up, but immediately had to look away. He was unable to meet the boy's worried eyes.

"Yeah, just... weird." Yosuke sighed. Without warning, he felt a hand slide across the top of his head, through his hair, causing strands to stand on end in what could only be described as bed-head-esque, and slide down to his forehead. His cheeks were on fire; he could feel every slight movement in those long fingers, every callous on the palm from holding a sword day in and day out, and the heat that radiated...

He leaned in to the hand, only to have it slowly slither back, taking its warmth and comfort along with it. "No fever." Souji muttered. "Face me."

Yosuke reddened. "W-why?"

"Because I need to see if your pupils are dilated. I want to make sure it's not a side-effect from yesterday." The hand returned, this time curling under Yosuke's chin and turning his face toward him as Souji leaned down closer.

Yosuke grabbed the hand and yanked it away, pushing himself flat on his back and away from those piercing grey eyes. When he looked back up, his heart fell when he saw the amount of sadness in them, hand still out-stretched where it had been shoved.

"Yosuke..." Souji lowered his hand but not his gaze. "I'm sorry for earlier, but I'm not going to try and jump you. I just got carried away, I really am... don't start being like this..." Yosuke could've sworn he heard the boy whisper "Please" at the end, but he had already turned away.

"I-it's not that." And it wasn't. It was just when he saw those eyes, his face that close... he couldn't let those thoughts progress any further. He couldn't allow anything to ruin what he had with Souji.

Souji didn't press any further; he just set his mouth in the tight line that usually came when he was mulling something over in his mind. Feeling awfully awkward and the disturbing thoughts still running a mile a minute through his head, Yosuke got up unsteadily.

"I think I should head out now." He said quietly, not really wanting to leave, but feared what his next action would be. Souji looked surprised and hurt, and it crushed him to see his friend look at him like that, so he offered a goofy grin and scratched the back of his head so he wouldn't wring his hands in nervousness. "Mom's probably gonna want me home for dinner and to clean up after, so... yeah." He laughed.

"I'll walk you out." Souji replied dejectedly, getting up from the couch and walking down the hall, stairs, and to the front door in silence. Yosuke was practically choking on the tense atmosphere and it only made him more anxious.

He tried hastily tapping his shoes on his feet, the laces already double-knotted so he never had to undo them, but somewhere between wedging his feet in his sneakers and tripping over the step that led into the Dojima living room, Souji had attempted to catch him before he smacked his head on the hardwood floor and Yosuke had reached out and grabbed the boy's shirt, pulling him down along with him.

Souji looked startled to find himself in such a compromising position, hovering over and trapped between Yosuke's bent legs. Yosuke could see the boy's adam's apple bob up and down as he gulped back his shock, and he himself had began sweating up a storm.

If he had gone out that door instead of ending up in a heap with Souji on the front step of their lobby, he wouldn't have found out that his thoughts had as much power as they did. His arm reached up and curled around Souji's neck and pulled him down gently, slowly, so if the boy wanted to back away, he could. But Souji only responded to the advance and in turn leaned down. Yosuke was unable to see the expression on the other boy's face – by now his eyelids had slid shut, his heart beating faster than it did during any battle and his blood rushing in his ears. All he could rely on now was touch.

He felt Souji's lips brush against his own before they pressed down firmly. He took in a sharp breath through his nose and held it until he felt his friend's lips move against his own in small, soft movements, and he relaxed, moving awkwardly back.

It wasn't like he wanted to kiss a guy, but Souji was not just _any_ guy, and, no matter how much he denied his desire for this, it was happening regardless.


	4. Mister

Yosuke smiled lazily, staring at the back of Souji's head in class. He tapped the boy's chair gently with his foot and his grin would grow a bit more whenever he saw Souji look over his shoulder at him, sometimes a smile that suggested he was being silly, sometimes a smile that told him he was being naughty. He'd give anything to end these ridiculous lessons and be able to reach over and run his hands through his friend's hair, letting the silky strands fall through his fingers like water.

He'd spent all night last night debating his feelings for Souji after the kiss from yesterday evening, and he came upon the decision that _fuck it_ he liked kissing Souji. He didn't like kissing guys, just this one in particular. Everyone had one exception, and Souji just happened to be his. Case closed, end of story.

Although _he_ had accepted this fact to a certain degree, he knew no one else would, so he asked Souji if he could just keep the kiss between each other. To his relief, his friend not only understood, but agreed wholeheartedly; they lived in a small and quite gossipy town. If word got out the Prince of Junes was interested in a guy, it would ruin his life, his family's, and maybe even hurt Junes.

He had had no time to talk to Souji in the morning, as he was late for class again – made it just before the bell, _yes_ – he was anxious to get some alone time with him on the roof. He wanted to just talk, maybe relay his new revelation and maybe, _just maybe_ run his fingers through those silver strands.

"Yosuke," Teddie looked suspicious when he came home the night before, a small but persistent smile plastered on Yosuke's face, "you smell like Sensei."

"Well, y-yeah." He bonked the boy on the head with a rolled up newspaper he picked up off their stoop when he came in. "I was hanging out with him all day."

"No." The boy stepped closer to Yosuke, sniffing around his general collar bone area and even his face. "It smells different. Still like Sensei, but different Sensei. And it's strong and all here." He gestured with his finger at the boy's face.

"Your nose is just malfunctioning again." He grumbled, hoping Teddie would drop the subject and never bring it up again. Nevertheless, when Teddie was splayed out over the majority of his bed, Yosuke didn't once shove him over. He was in too kind a mood, and even pulled the boy closer, feeling awfully generous.

He kicked the underside of Souji's chair again lightly, a lazy smile permanently tattooed on his face when he saw the boy look over his shoulder and mouth "Stop", but he could tell by the smile and the gleam in his eyes that Souji hadn't meant it.

"Make me." He mouthed back with a smirk. This earned him a raised eyebrow and a mischievous grin, in which his heart responded with a flutter and an extra loud _ba-dump_.

The bell sounded, and Yosuke quickly gathered his things into his bag, mostly shoving and crumpling notes, books landing in disarray in his bright orange satchel, to which he groaned and had to straighten them out from their crooked angles if he didn't want everything falling out.

When he looked back up, he saw Souji talking to Yukiko, all smiles and giggles and why was her hand on his shoulder? Yosuke furrowed his brow. That was no way to treat an ex, unless...

Her hand slid down to his upper arm and everything in her face read anything _but_ "Dear ex-boyfriend, here are your items you left at my house. I'm glad we're just friends now!"

Yosuke slung his bag over his shoulder and approached the two, wary of Yukiko's advances and questioning Souji with his eyes. "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch today, partner." He hoped the use of the nickname would sway his decision to ditch Yukiko; she had Chie after all.

"Sorry," Souji stared at him with an unreadable expression. His _usual_ expression. "but I already agreed to have lunch with Yukiko."

"I'm sorry, Yosuke-kun," she smiled gently, which only made him look from Souji to her with a look of complete puzzlement, "but how about tomorrow you two eat together? I can catch up with Chie then."

"U-um..." Yosuke looked back at Souji, whom only stared back at him blankly, "sure. I'll... take a rain check." His two friends left, Yukiko waving to Chie on the way out, and Yosuke's eyes couldn't help but focus in on the hand deliberately looped around and resting on her waist. A hand that belonged to Souji. The same hand that had been holding _his_ face less than twenty four hours ago.

"No separating those lovebirds." Chie mused, leaning back in her chair and stretching her hands out behind her with a satisfied sigh. "Right, Yosuke?"

Did Souji actually _not_ break up with her last night? After everything that had happened? Or did the kiss mean absolutely _nothing_ to him? That couldn't be it; Souji had been too deliberate, too passionate, and too determined to kiss Yosuke to have it just have meant nothing to him. Maybe he was going to have lunch with Yukiko now to break the bad news to her. Yeah, that had to be it.

"Yosuke?" Chie waved her hand in front of his face and he focused back on her, a worried expression as clear as day washed over her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just need some fresh air." He mumbled, pushing past her to go clear his head. He didn't like brushing off Chie like that, but the last thing he wanted to do was discuss _those_ two, lest he let something slip about the prior evening or his feelings toward his best friend or, worse, he started crying. Because that's what he felt like doing right now, and _that_ he would admit to himself, if the pain in his chest wouldn't.

He just needed to go up to his and Souji's usual spot on the roof and kick the fence a bit, blast some angry music and lie back and close his eyes. That spot was always vacant, as was the rest of the roof usually, so he could go blow off a bit of steam and take a few deep breaths up there without starting up any more unwanted rumours about himself. Oh boy, he could just see it now: "Prince of Junes ready to snap, is the Inaba serial killer!", "Hanamura boy needs anger management for beating up several small children, can't blow off steam wherever he goes!" or some other kind of bullshit like that.

He burst on to the roof, the door swinging open a little more violently than he intended, but when he looked over to his usual spot for a lonesome lunch for one, it wasn't vacant. And suddenly, he felt his lungs tighten and shrivel in his chest and felt like he couldn't breathe.

In his and Souji's spot, where they'd eat lunch, where they'd talk, where they'd just hang out alone, a rare feat in and of itself, where that guy had told him just the other day he'd been a _bad friend_ , was Souji and Yukiko.

Souji and Yukiko much too close to be talking, but they were using their mouths alright. His hand resting on the small of her tiny back, the other running through her long and silky hair, and his mouth over hers. It looked like he was trying to eat her fucking face off. _Well, it is lunch time_ , a tiny voice said in the back of Yosuke's head.

His feet were rooted to the concrete floor that made up the school roof, his hand clutching so tightly to his bag strap his knuckles went white and his palms went blood red. He couldn't move, his feet wouldn't let him. He couldn't look away, his eyes wouldn't let him. He couldn't speak, his throat wouldn't _let him._ All he could do was stare at the horrific sight, unmoving and not breathing.

Until he saw Souji look up and right at him. And did. Not. Stop. _Kissing her_.

That's when Yosuke's feet took on a life of their own and carried him back down the first flight of stairs, then the next, then the next, then the next, until he ran right out of the school building, ignoring the few people that had called out to him on his way down – Chie, Kanji, Daisuke and Kou, all asking if he was alright, why he looked upset, was he feeling ill?

He was feeling ill alright. He rounded a corner and tripped on his own feet, landing, luckily, in a patch of grass and doubling over, emptying his already relatively empty stomach into the lush green.

He didn't feel quite as heavy or sickly because of finding Souji doing... doing _that_. It was that look he gave him. If Souji had looked up, shocked, stammered out an excuse and an apology, had said Yukiko jumped him, it was a goodbye kiss, _anything_ , he would've been fine. But all his – _ha –_ friend had done was stared back at him as he continued to devour the girl's face, that cold stare dripping with unkind words.

It made him feel sick. It cropped up a whole new harvest of questions he'd had yet to reap. It said " _I don't need you_."

 

* * *

_"Where are you?"_

The third text message from Chie since he ran out. Class had already started, but Yosuke had no intention of returning any time soon, if at all. He was still sitting where he had fallen earlier. Alright, maybe not _exactly_ there, since the area smelled of puke, but he was pretty close by.

He threw his phone in the grass next to him, refusing to reply.

_"Are you okay?"_

_Leave me alone_ , he thought, scrubbing his face with the heel of his palm.

_"Yosuke, answer!"_

_Everyone, just... leave me alone._

_"ANSWER ME, OR SO HELP ME I'LL KICK YOU ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CITY, FREE OF CHARGE."_

" _Shut up!_ " he screamed at his phone, like it would understand and text that to Chie. He just wanted to be alone, to be undisturbed and to wallow in his misery in silence.

_"Where are you?"_

God _fucking dammit_. Yosuke picked up the phone, half wanting to text back the angriest most hateful words and half wanting to chuck the damn thing at a tree. Arm raised to hurl the thing as far away from him as possible, he caught a glimpse of the display screen, and saw the last one was from Souji. His hand dropped like a ton of rocks, and, after a minute, he flipped open the phone and slowly typed back a reply.

_"Out."_

_"Why? Class has begun."_

Why, he asks? _Why_? He knows fucking well _why_ Yosuke is not in class! What the _fuck_ kind of game is he playing?

_"I know. I'm not feeling well."_

_"Did you see the nurse?"_

_No, I did not see the fucking nurse, I saw you making out with your girlfriend_ , he thought to himself.

" _No. I'm home."_ He lied. It's not like he'd know or bother to check on him, what did he care?

_"Alright_."

Yosuke huffed at that response. What a bland, uncaring response. No " _Sorry I stuck my tongue down another girl's throat when I knew you were there_ ", no " _Sorry I kissed you last night and hit on you"_ , no _"Sorry for making you feel the way you do_ ". Just fucking _alright_.

Yosuke laughed bitterly, tossing his phone in the grass and flopping back in it. He'd deal with the consequences of skipping later.

It wasn't until he heard feet clomping down the street that he decided to look up, and he saw a familiar head of silver hair, a tight line for a mouth and a look of complete perseverance in grey eyes pass by.

The eyes looked over his way, and did a double take. "Yosuke?" Souji stopped and walked over to the boy. "I thought you said you were home?"

Great. "I lied." He said, letting his head rest back in the grass again, his arm flopping over his eyes to block out the sun, but mostly that burning stare.

"What are you doing here?" Souji took a seat next to Yosuke, knees bent and arms resting over as if they were having one of their everyday conversations.

"Relaxing." Yosuke said flatly. " _Alone."_ He added in bitterly.

"I guess it's good to take a break every once in a while." Souji sighed, leaning back on his hands and staring up through the trees, speckles of sunlight shining through and down on their faces. "I don't like skipping often, but we all need a breather from time to ti-"

"Why?" Yosuke interrupted, his teeth clenched and the word hissed through. Souji gave no response, so he shot up and glared at him with brown eyes filled with confusion and fury. " _Why_?!"

"Why what?" Souji asked, his eyes turning steely as they often did when he felt a small surge of frustration or anger.

"You know damn well _what_." Yosuke spat back, his hands balling up into fists in the grass. "Are you just playing with me? Leading me on? What is it?!"

"None of the above."

"Then what is it?! Why are you still with Yukiko? Was I just a one-time, spur of the moment thing?"

"No-"

"Then why the _hell_ are you still with her?!" Yosuke was practically screaming at this point, his frustration ready to boil over and spill out through his eyes, his teeth ready to gnaw a hole through his lip.

"Because she's my girlfriend. But..." Souji trailed off and looked away, sighing heavily. "Nothing was _supposed_ to happen yesterday, and now everything's..."

There was a pause of silence between the two, and Yosuke pressed the boy to finish his thoughts. "Everything's what?"

"Everything's _messed up_." Souji looked back at the boy, his mouth set into the firm line again. "I don't know what to do. I really do like you, Yosuke, but I'm already with her, and I like her, too."

"Alright, thanks." Yosuke huffed, throwing his hands up in the air. "End of story, end of us, whatever." He heaved himself to his feet and brushed the stray blades of grass from his uniform pants, willing the impending floodgates that were his eyes to stay closed just a little longer, until he was out of Souji's sight, out of the town's sight and hiding alone in his room under his covers. They hadn't even lasted a day and everything had already gone to shit. "But one question." He turned back to look at Souji who was also getting up at that moment. "Why... why did you stare at me? When I saw you two on the roof?"

Souji was silent, but his eyes turned hard, and for what felt like an eternity of tense silence of staring at each other, he spoke. "I couldn't look away."

"But why?" Yosuke felt his anger had melted away completely at this point and was just desperate for answers.

Instead of a response, Souji stepped closer and took the other boy by his face and brought him in swiftly for a much rougher kiss than the one they shared the prior evening. Yosuke made a surprised and defiant sound at the back of his throat, attempting to push away, but one of Souji's hands had snaked down and around the boy's waist to pull him in closer and hold him there.

Yosuke was furious with him. Yosuke hated him. Yosuke wanted to struggle, punch him in his big stupid face and then run down the street and all the way home, but he couldn't bring himself to. His head wanted him to do it, but his heart made him wrap his arms around the boy's neck and pull him in closer, made him open his mouth when he felt a soft tongue sweep across his bottom lip and allow entrance, made him tilt his head and press his face closer, made him press his whole body closer, made him deepen the kiss and want more of Souji, want every last inch of him only to himself, and soon enough, his heart had completely drowned out his head's desperate pleas that this was _wrong_ and everything about it would just hurt him in the end.

He'll just have to burn that bridge when he comes to it.

 

* * *

Yosuke was trying desperately to concentrate on his English homework that night, note books and text books spread out over his bed, but he just ended up doodling little monsters eating the corners of his page. He was surprisingly _awful_ at the language, considering he loved listening to Western music. He'd look up translations and had pretty good pronunciation of the words (he sang a lot of the time with the songs), but his comprehension of the language as a whole was a lost cause. Shame, he really wanted to try and make it big over there. He supposed he could always get a translator.

But that wasn't what was on his mind while he doodled a shark gnawing on the edge of his paper. He was thinking about earlier, and how he and Souji may have started something. He felt like he was skating on some pretty thin ice by doing this.

Souji was dating _Yukiko_. He was already in a relationship and didn't plan on ending it anytime soon, and Yosuke was going along with sneaking around behind her back with her boyfriend. He felt pretty awful, but then Souji would kiss him, or play with his fingers, or hold him close, and that awful feeling would just... go away. Yukiko was the furthest thing from his mind when he was actually _with_ Souji.

But he couldn't help feeling like he was his friend's... _mistress._ Or in this case, mister. But he just couldn't help himself. After all, hadn't Yukiko _started_ this whole thing by stealing his best friend away from him? Now he was just spending more time with him, even though now the time was spent a little differently. It's not like they had agreed to be exclusive, right? It's not like he was doing anything _wrong_ here, right?

A little voice kept nagging him in the back of his head to end this now, end it before anything could go wrong. He'll wind up being hurt, having his heart broken and left alone. And if this didn't happen, then it would surely happen to Yukiko, which made him feel just as bad in the end. He and Yukiko were never close, but he would never wish any sort of unhappiness or pain on her, and yet here he was inflicting it indirectly.

He sighed and flopped back on his bed, pulling a pillow with him to cover his face and muffle his groans. He didn't know what to do or how to work out this problem. Didn't he deserve to be happy, too? And he was happy with Souji, so who was this _really_ hurting? As long as she never found out, maybe they'd eventually mutually break up and everything would be alright. Even if they weren't already going out, Souji and Yosuke had agreed to tell absolutely no one about this for fear of being judged by such a tight-knit, traditional and, above all, judgemental community, so it wasn't like she'd find out anyway.

He flipped the pillow off his face and stared up at his ceiling until his eyes no longer focused. Everything would be alright. No one would get hurt, because no one would find out. It would just be his and Souji's secret, it would be just between the two of them.

Everything just _had_ to work out.


	5. A Black Bile and a White Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woops, I just realized I uploaded the wrong chapter! This is the right one (for anyone that read Shame in this place)

School suddenly became a much more unbearable place to be. Between all the work, the ignorant students that _still_ talked about Yosuke behind his back like he couldn't hear them, and the mind-numbingly _boring_ lectures, it had been horrible and mundane.

But add in the secret relationship and hidden feelings between him and his best friend, it had become a hell that even made the TV world's shadowy version of the Shopping District look like an oasis to a dehydrated man smack dab in the middle of the Sahara.

It wasn't so much Yosuke's body-achingly desire to reach out and touch the boy, stroke his hair lovingly, press his face into the crook of his neck and inhale that tantalizing natural scent he gave off. It was more having to watch _her_ be able to do all those things while he sat idly by and scowled, his heart sitting heavily in his stomach like a stone at the bottom of a whirlpool, constantly being pushed further down into the sand and never allowed to see the light of day.

He thanked whatever powers were at work that Yukiko did _not_ sit next to Souji or directly in front of him, otherwise the taunts would be more frequent. Now, Yosuke was looking forward to his times in class when she couldn't get her claws on him.

He'd found out the hard way that if Souji and Yukiko left the classroom for lunch that he should stay put in his seat in class. There was nothing more deflating than stepping out to go up to the roof – _alone_ , naturally – to get an eyeful of Souji holding Yukiko up against him, his hand tucking strands of her long, raven hair behind one ear, and leaning down slowly until they were...

After that incident, and a few more much too similar, he'd learned to keep his ass in that seat unless they looked like they were staying in class, in which case he'd get the hell out of there before he'd be subjected to the horrid sight of them doing that right _there_ , in front of him.

He'd be angry with Souji about this every time they'd get together later at the Dojimas', but that boy always had a way with his words _and_ his hands that would make Yosuke swallow it all back down and enjoy what time he _did_ have with him.

"I know it's tough." He said softly in Yosuke's ear one afternoon, holding the boy in his arms as they were splayed out on the couch in his room and stroking his feather light brown hair and kissing the shell of his ear gently.

"No, you don't." Yosuke grumbled, playing with the boy's fingers in his one hand. He'd been moping the whole afternoon after being treated to the sight of one of Yukiko and Souji's hallway make-outs since it had been raining and the roof was unusable. "Why do you _have_ to do that?"

"Because she's my girlfriend." He'd stated simply, pressing another kiss to the boy's temple.

"So then what am I?" Yosuke'd been dreading the answer, but he couldn't help himself from asking anymore.

A silence fell over the two boys, the only sound being the rain pattering against the window softly and the languid ticks of the clock as the seconds droned on. Yosuke's heart started beating faster as more ticks piled on to the tocks and filled his lungs. Souji was taking a long time to answer the question, which meant he hadn't even known the answer.

"You're my Yosuke." He hummed quietly against the side of the boy's head, his face buried in the soft, down-like hair.

"That's not even a thing." Yosuke mumbled, thoroughly annoyed with such a cop-out answer. But he soon forgot to be irritated with his best friend, because a hand came down, a few fingers gently, but firmly, pushing Yosuke's chin up to tilt his head back, and his scowl was covered by a soft pair of lips.

His mind always blanked when Souji did that, and he knew he'd never get tired of that feeling.

But those warm pair of lips were not on his at the moment, they were on _hers_. The group had decided to meet in the food court of Junes one afternoon after school for chill time/study session, more so the former than the latter.

Like Yosuke could've _ever_ concentrated on his geography homework when he was sitting across from those two. There was a whirlpool of emotions sweeping and churning in his chest like a black froth, ready to bubble out of his eyes and streak down his face, ready to burst from his mouth in manic screams. It was absolute _torture_ watching Yukiko soak up all of Souji's gentle and loving smiles, for her to be covered with _his_ kisses, to be held in _his_ arms. She was so unbelievably lucky, Yosuke hoped she knew just how lucky she was.

He glared over the plastic table at the couple, unable to pry his eyes away from the sickening sight until a finger poked the side of his head and he was forced to tear his gaze away to look at Rise, who began poking at his cheek.

"You're not even listening to me!" She mock-wailed, but thoroughly entertained with prodding the boy's face.

"What?" He asked. Apparently she had been telling him and Chie about some gossip or some story or _whatever_ and he hadn't heard a word she said. Who could hear anything over the deafening sounds of Yukiko's soft giggles and Souji's quiet whispers in her ear? How the hell did anyone _function_ at the table with those two?

"I was saying we should all have a party or something!" Rise pulled back and sat up straighter in her chair, addressing the whole table. "Not like the cooking competition, though, I don't think I can take any more insults to my food."

" 'f you can call it that..." Kanji mumbled, which earned him a surprisingly powerful punch to his shoulder, courtesy of Rise.

"That sounds like it'd be fine, I'm already tired of school." Chie stretched her back until it popped. "We could watch movies and order in and play games and stuff."

"I'd offer the inn," Yukiko began, still tangled in Souji's arms, much to Yosuke's displeasure, "but we're quite busy at the moment, so I don't think it would be possible."

"How about my place, then?" Souji suggested, and everyone seemed to be mulling the idea over in their heads.

"That'd be good; Nanako-chan could join in on the fun!" Chie beamed. "Oh, but this means no Kung Fu movies, huh?"

"That's not the only reason we won't be watching those." Rise huffed. "Then it's settled, we'll have the get-together at Senpai's."

"What day we gonna do it?" Kanji asked, slouching further back in the chair, the plastic creaking under the shift in weight.

Yosuke remained quiet while the others all discussed which days would be best for them, continuing his death stare at the couple across from him, teeth clenched and jaw jutted out, arms crossed tightly across his chest. When Souji looked over and smiled at him, his eyes saying "Everything'll be alright", Yosuke huffed and looked away, trying to focus on his other friends. He could hear Souji chuckle under his breath and saw out of the corner of his eye the boy shake his head, is arm coming to rest over the back of Yukiko's chair when she asked what was so funny.

"This Saturday it is!" Chie exclaimed, doing a small fist pump to express her excitement and flashed everyone a grin. "Hey, Yosuke," she turned to him and he wiped the scowl from his face, "why don't _you_ provide the food, courtesy of Junes!"

"Wha-, I'm not _made_ of money!" He protested, but the others seemed to agree to Chie voluntelling him to cater the event. He grumbled and slumped further down in his chair. He _knew_ he shouldn't have come today.

* * *

As Saturday drew nearer, Yosuke overheard snippets of conversation debating what they should all do at the gathering.

"What movies do you think we should watch?" Chie asked Yukiko one day after school. "We can't watch anything violent, scary, or inappropriate if Nanako-chan's around."

"She won't be." Souji said non-chalantly, his school bag slung over his shoulder. "She says she's got a playdate with her friend Rei-chan again that afternoon."

"Does our little Nanako-chan have a boyfriend?" Chie sounded overly excited, but she didn't get many details from the boy as he merely shrugged and smiled. Yosuke would've thought it funny or adorable if he hadn't been trying to contain the dark feeling growing in the pit of his stomach that came from having to see Yukiko holding hands with Souji, half-leaning on him as if she needed the support from such a _steep_ decline from school.

"Yes, that means we can watch some action-packed thrillers!" Chie seemed even _more_ excited at the prospect of watching her cheesy, horribly dubbed kung fu movies, and it earned her a chorus of groans. Even Yosuke joined in on voicing his displeasure.

Another day, he spoke with Kanji and Rise about other activities, Rise speaking animatedly as her ideas became more and more colourful, Kanji's face doing the same at the idea of engaging in some of her more racey suggestions.

" 'm not doin' _that_!" He protested at another one of Rise's party games.

"Ugh," Rise threw her head back and sighed exasperatingly, "Kanji, why are you no _fun_?! You like my ideas, right, Yosuke-senpai?"

"I actually agree with Kanji on this one." Yosuke laughed nervously, afraid to face the tiny girl's wrath, but more so afraid to be discovered. The real reason he was against anything that involved the word 'strip' with another innocent game title, or anything that involved being locked in a closet or spinning a bottle was because he _really_ didn't want Souji and Yukiko being chosen to be the ones to go for it. He wouldn't even allow the image of those two to make its way to the front of his mind, for fear it may show its implications on his face.

Rise looked upset, pouting and crossing her arms, stamping her foot slightly and refusing to look at either boy. "Well, what do _you_ propose we do?"

"We could jus' all hang out." Kanji shrugged. " S'long as we got good grub and some movies or summtin'." Yosuke nodded. It was a _group_ gathering, not something that would only fuel Souji and Yukiko's escalating relationship and subject Yosuke to more and more heartbreaking scenes of their public displays of sickening affection. Otherwise, why not rent them a room at a love hotel and call it a night?

When Saturday reared its potentially ugly head, Yosuke felt an overwhelming feeling of dread loom over him while sitting in class, and the weather seemed to echo his thoughts. The sky remained a dark grey and even a few street lights came on due to the lack of sunshine. It felt like it was late evening when it was only ten minutes until the final bell rang. He would normally love to hang out with his friends as a group, like they used to do, but ever since he and Souji started up in secret, group gatherings turned into a front Souji would put up: the good boyfriend to the ever-lovely Yukiko, and Yosuke was just the forgotten friend. If Souji and Yukiko were in the same room, it was like there was a magnetic attraction that they had to obey, and they'd soon be all over each other. It was torturous.

Chie made sure to give Yosuke a list of what food he should order in before they parted ways after school, most of it containing the words 'steak' or 'beef'. Fearing her ball-cripplingly powerful kicks, he came through with bringing just a few dishes of beef. It was tough riding his bike from Junes to the Dojima residence, bags balanced over his handlebars, but he and the food made it in one piece.

Discarding the bike on the front lawn, he picked up the overflowing plastic bags and approached the door. He wasn't entirely sure why, but there was a persistent knot twisting in his stomach when he reached up for the doorbell. Before he bought the food, he went home and changed. Usually, getting dressed only took him ten minutes tops since he wasn't one to fuss over his attire, but he felt like everything he owned wasn't _good_ enough. Maybe he was anticipating dragging Souji away from Yukiko tonight, maybe showing him that _he_ was what he wanted, and... shit, he was sounding like a girl now.

He sighed, dropping his head and ringing the door bell. The door soon slid open and Teddiepractically jumping on him as a greeting. Yosuke stumbled and complained that he'd drop the food, which caused the boy to finally let go and shoot a brilliant grin at him, Yosuke offering a wan smile in return. The two boys stepped in with the food and he was greeted with a messy chorus of "hey"s; apparently he was the final member to arrive.

He couldn't tell if he was relieved or not. If he was the first to arrive, he would've had some alone time with Souji, however brief it may be. On the other hand, once Yukiko arrived, he'd be the odd man out and have to watch those two be sickeningly sweet, as if he didn't get _that_ enough.

Chie was more than eager to set up the food to get the party going, the first hour or so spent entirely eating and talking, laughing at stupid jokes while passing the beef, groaning at cheesy pick-up lines from Teddie while munching on veggies, and catching up over snacks.

Yosuke was having fun until he would look up and see Souji and Yukiko snuggled together on the couch, his arm draped over the back and leaning in close to whisper in her ear, and he most _definitely_ noticed him pecking her cheek, if the telltale sign of the blush creeping up on her milky cheeks wasn't enough.

Yosuke's heart sank. He just didn't understand why Souji _did this_. It would be one thing to do it in private, but he was practically flaunting it in Yosuke's face as if he _wanted_ him to feel bad, or to get a rise out of him, or to get him to yell and scream that _he_ liked Souji. He didn't understand how Souji could tell him he loved to kiss him and hold him and just _be_ with him, and the next second he'd be doing the same with someone else.

How come Souji was allowed to do this?

"You're looking pretty down." Rise commented, putting one hand gently on Yosuke's arm. She looked over to where he was staring at the two and she made a small noise before she leaned in closer to whisper, "Can't be easy seeing the one you like with someone else, huh?"

His back stiffened and he took in a sharp breath. He knew Rise had an insane intuition and that her gut-feeling was _always_ right, but this... she _couldn't_ have known how he felt about Souji, or worse, what he and his best friend were doing away from prying eyes. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You like Yukiko, right?" She pulled back a bit to give him a quizzical look, but kept her voice low so the others wouldn't hear.

Yosuke let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. "No, that's not it." He smiled solemnly.

"Then why so glum, chum?" She poked his face to drag out a happier smile.

"I dunno," He tried pulling away from her finger, but it was clear she wouldn't stop until she got a better answer, "I guess it just sucks how we're supposed to all be hanging out but they're so wrapped up in themselves." He may have said this a little louder than intended just so Souji would hear and maybe cut it out.

Rise leaned back to her spot and gave an understanding "Ah. Well, they're just being a couple. Though, I do have to agree!" She said the last part loudly and shot a glare at the two seated on the couch. Souji looked at Yosuke and Rise questioningly, one eyebrow cocked at him. The boy blushed under the silver gaze and had to look away, choosing to stare at his hands in his lap. He knew he wasn't supposed to be messing with their relationship in case someone somehow figured out what was _really_ going on behind the scenes, and he hated being silently scolded for doing so, but sometimes he just let his feelings get the best of him.

"Ugh!" Rise exclaimed, throwing her hands up in defeat and standing up in a huff. "I give up. Come on, Yosuke-senpai, we can have fun _without_ those two." She pulled the boy to his feet with surprising strength and marched over to the kitchen table so she could pour herself a drink. After tearing his eyes away from the two on the couch, Yosuke noticed how upset the younger girl looked, eyebrows drooped and mouth pressed tight. She almost looked like she wanted to... cry.

"You okay?" Yosuke asked quietly. Rise flicked her eyes up briefly only to look back down and shake her head ever so slightly.

"It just sucks, ya know?" She said under her breath. "Having to see them together." She took a sip from her cup before just holding it to her face, eyes still cast down. Everyone knew about the crush Rise had on her senpai, and Yosuke suddenly felt a small twinge in his chest. She knew at least how it felt having to watch Souji be with someone else. "It's not like I don't like Yukiko-senpai or anything." She continued. "It's just..."

"Why couldn't that be you?" Yosuke breathed quietly, leaning against the table and ducking his head. _Yeah, me too,_ he wanted to say, but held his tongue.

"Yeah." Rise nodded glumly. "They seem really happy together, and I'm glad for them and all, but it hurts to see the one you really want to be with be happy with someone else, right? It's like... can't I make him happy, too? What does she have to offer that I don't? Don't I... deserve his affection, too?"

Yosuke let Rise's words sink into his skin like sweat and dirt. He could no longer hear Teddie's frantic screams for help as Chie kicked him for hitting on her, or Kanji's yells while trying to pry the scary girl from him, or the laughing fit emitting from Yukiko or the nervous laughter from Souji. He couldn't even focus in on Rise's sad face. It was like everything else had melted from his vision and it left him drowning in the black bile he'd felt forming in his stomach since that day on the school rooftop.

He knew that Rise didn't mean it the way he heard it, but her words echoed in his head like a hollow cavern.

_Don't I deserve his affection, too?_

_Do I deserve having to watch him make out with some other girl, have to watch him pour all of his affection on to someone else and only be left with the remains, if anything at all? Why do_ I _have to be the one pushed aside when_ you _are the reason we're even a thing in the first place, why I feel like this all of a sudden._

_Why do I have to be the one in pain?_

"Yosuke-senpai?"Rise's sadness was replaced with worry now. Her face came back into view, the black sludge draining down through the floor and seeping out through the walls to leave him back in the Dojima kitchen, the noises no longer muffled ("Chie-chan said I could score, though, why are you so _mean_?!" "I'm going to turn this bear into road kill if he ever touches me there again!").

"Yeah, s-sorry. Just kinda zoned out for a minute." Yosuke shook his head and smiled sadly. "But I know how you feel."

"You do?" Rise perked up a bit. "Who is it?"

Crap. "I-I mean, I know how you feel 'c-cause I've gone through it before." He laughed nervously, and relaxed once he saw Rise's shoulders relax and her mischievous gleam be replaced with a gentler one. "It sucks, but don't worry about it. The feeling'll pass." He tried believing his own words.

"You're right." She shook her head and looked back up with a grin. "It's just a crush, it'll go away." _Just a crush, it'll go away. The feeling_ will _pass._

He forced a smile back so she wouldn't ask if he was alright again, so the black sea wouldn't begin lapping at his feet, threatening to drag him in again. He was taken aback, though, when the girl leaned up and pressed an appreciative kiss to his cheek, just to one side of his mouth that if he had turned just slightly...

She giggled when she saw the surprised look on his face and he offered a goofy grin back, feeling much better after the consoling chat with the girl. The feeling _will_ pass, it was _only_ a crush, it _will_ go away, and then he could go back to who he was before, chasing girls instead of pining after his best friend.

He looked back at the others in the living room, a smile spreading across his face when he saw Kanji had finally managed to get Chie off of Teddie and was holding her in the air as she flailed about, demanding to be let down, Teddie fake crying but actually laughing, Yukiko doubling over on the floor, and-

His smile dropped like an anvil and his chest tightened. Souji was not staring at that scene, but was staring at him, and his face looked absolutely thunderous. He looked away as soon as Yosuke had seen him, but the boy noticed his leader's fist tighten until his knuckles were bone white on the couch armrest. He glared at the table in front of him, and Yosuke swallowed dryly. He didn't know what set Souji off like that, but he had a pretty good idea what it could've been.

Why should he care? He's got his girlfriend, and it was one small, _innocent_ peck from a friend he had no current interest in, even if he had months before. If Souji was allowed to do it, then so could _he_.

He plopped himself down a little closer than he normally would to Rise, supporting himself on one arm so he could lean in a little closer to the girl. She took no notice, as she was still laughing along with Yukiko, but when the scene died down and Teddie recovered from his injuries, he sat bolt upright and scrambled over to Rise.

"Rise-chan, Chie-chan is so _mean_!" He wailed. "Comfort me?" He tried lunging himself at the girl, but she recoiled and pushed him away.

"Ew, Teddie!" She pushed herself away and right into Yosuke and he caught her, smiling down gently with a hint of suggestiveness, hoping Souji would pick up on it. "Ah, sorry, senpai!" She apologized and even blushed a little.

"It's no problem." He said quietly, but not too quietly or Souji wouldn't pick up on it, and then what would the point be. He tried on a face he thought would look sexy: eyes half lidded, his lips tugged up at one corner. Rise did not pick up on his hints, which only made things sweeter in the end; he wasn't toying with her, just getting the rise he so desperately wanted out of Souji. He placed one hand on the girl's arm and leaned her further back into his chest, and perhaps she caught on now, judging by the slight blush. He felt bad for using his kouhai like this, but anything to keep those grey eyes glued to him.

Chie had hit Teddie on the top of his head, which sent Yukiko into another fit of cackles, holding her sides and tears forming at the corners of her eyes, Rise apparently joining her and forgetting the fact that she was lying down half in Yosuke's lap. He resisted the urge to make the act look more convincing by caressing her face or brushing hair behind her ear or something, and when he chanced a brief glance over at Souji, the look of anger shot his way meant he didn't even need to do anything more.

He smirked. _Serves you right_ , he thought to himself, paying attention to his other friends. He was laughing along with the others when he felt a tug at the back of his collar and he was heaved to his feet and spun around to stare straight into piercing stone eyes, glaring holes into his own. At first he was shocked, but he quickly regained his composure and glared right back in silence.

"What's wrong, _partner_." Yosuke bit, the usual friendly nickname dripping with malice, and his smirk only grew wider when he saw the anger flash behind Souji's eyes. He leaned in a bit closer, until their noses were nearly touching, and whispered "If you can do it, so can I."

He was expecting to be screamed at, to be scolded, to be verbally hurt with a string of insults, but what he wasn't expecting was his cheek to be stinging after a sharp slap rang through the room. The room fell still, everyone's worried and confused gazes on the two boys.

Yosuke kept his head where it had spun from the slap, refusing to even stare at the other boy, his teeth clenched and willing the tears to stay behind his eyes. He focused on everyone else's faces instead; Chie deflated, Teddie curious, Yukiko afraid, Kanji shocked, and Rise, lying down and staring up from where she had fallen when Yosuke had been yanked to his feet, bewildered.

"You don't talk to me like that." Souji said lowly enough for only him to hear. Yosuke shoved the other boy away and swiped at his mouth like he had been punched, straightening himself up like it had been nothing before he pushed past Souji and out the door, making sure to slam it. He slipped on his shoes as quickly as he could and took off down the street, forgetting his useless bike on the front lawn.

He paid no mind to the fact that he heard footsteps running behind him – he knew who it was, and he knew he was faster than _him_. It didn't matter, he'd never catch up, and once he got home, he'd lock his door and stay in bed until Monday rolled around.

"Yosuke!" He heard Souji call after him angrily. He refused to answer, to play his games anymore, and picked up his pace. He was thankful the night time air was much cooler, it made it easier to run the entire distance, and he was thankful no one was around to see this.

He was sure he'd lost the boy when he no longer heard the pounding footsteps behind him, and he turned down a path to run through the flood plain. The only thing he could focus on now was his thumping heart, in sync with every pounding step he took, the blood rushing through his head, his breath ragged and heavy, but he refused to stop until he was safely under his covers, away from his friends' prying eyes, from this goddamn town's judgemental stares, away from _Souji_.

His path was beginning to become wobbly and he seemed to be all over the place, but it wasn't _that_ much further. Just as he was running a bit too closely to the brush, a familiar streak of silver hair jumped out in front of him and grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him into the dark blanket the trees cast and right into a tree trunk.

"What the hell?!" He screamed at Souji, trying to push the boy away, but Souji was persistent and wouldn't budge from his spot, his arms fencing the boy in. He struggled, beating at Souji's chest, trying to pry his arms away, trying to duck under, _anything_ , he just couldn't stand being under that gaze, not _now_. "Get away from me!"

"I'm not moving." Souji growled back, taking the boy's flailing arms by the wrists and pinning them above his head. "What the hell is your problem?"

" _You!_ " Yosuke screamed in his face. "You're my problem! Let me go, get the fuck away from me!"

"Why?! Why am _I_ your problem?" Souji pushed the boy further into the tree to stop his struggling and to calm down.

"Because..." Yosuke still struggled. He may have been faster than Souji, but he wasn't stronger. "Because you are, leave me alone!"

"Not until you tell me why the _hell_ you were hitting on Rise."

"I was not!" Yosuke panicked. "How come you're allowed to be with someone else and I'm not, huh? Were you planning to date Rise then, too?!"

Half expecting to be slapped again, Yosuke was surprised when this time, Souji kissed him fervently. The kiss took his breath away, and when the other boy pulled back for half a second, he was gasping for air only to be plunged back into another rough kiss. Yosuke squirmed, not to get away, but this time to wrap his arms around the boy and try to pull him closer. He was furious with Souji, but he couldn't deny he still wanted this. He kissed the boy back feverishly, moaning when he felt a tongue force its way into his mouth. He tilted his head up and to the side so he could deepen the kiss, and felt his chest tighten with every breath he was denied, and felt his jeans do the same.

They've kissed plenty of times before this incident, but nothing had ever felt this raw or intense. He was finally able to take in a much appreciated breath when Souji had pulled away and instead dove down to suck and bite on the boy's neck, granting him an array of red and purple splotches along his neck. Yosuke couldn't contain the moan that ripped through his throat, and his hips bucked up into Souji. He was filled with an overwhelming animal yearning that he didn't think he could contain, and he was thankful they were shrouded in the darkness, everyone in town tucked away in their homes and unable to hear his cries of desire.

He felt the boy's hands grab roughly at his hips, one hand sliding forward and pressing to the front of his jeans. "You're mine," Souji muttered against Yosuke's neck, his breath hot and roaming against his taut skin, "understand?"

Yosuke nodded loosely, his whole body trembling with every rub Souji's palm made against his hardening crotch. He rested his forehead against the boy's shoulder and breathed in a few ragged breaths, one every once in a while hitching. He would've been begging for Souji to go further if his voice had been working, but he felt like if he tried it, nothing would come out but a hoarse cry.

He felt Souji place a soft kiss to the side of his neck before he drew away. Yosuke groaned, thinking it was over until he realized Souji hadn't been sliding _away_ , but _down_. He whimpered when he saw the boy on his knees in front of him, the grey eyes filled with a hunger he'd never seen before. Yosuke squeezed his eyes shut, unable to last another second if he kept staring at the boy like that, shoving his knuckles into his mouth and biting down to keep the cries of pleasure to a minimum. His hips bucked forward when he felt his jeans' button pop open and his fly lower, his pants and boxers being pulled down to his ankles. He blushed at the thought of being so exposed to Souji, but was relieved to feel the cool night air on the burning skin.

A cry lodged itself in his throat and his mouth hung open in a silent scream, his head thrown back, when he felt the boy kiss the tip of his shaft, and his knees nearly gave way when he felt himself beginning to be sheathed in Souji's hot mouth. He cracked one eye open to just peek, and moaned at the sight. _Shit_ , wasn't he supposed to be mad at Souji? God, who could be angry, who could even _think_ during something like _this?_

He was trembling like a leaf, his breath heavy and spastic, his hands clawing at the tree bark behind him and a cry here and there tearing its way out of his throat and dissipating into the night air. He tried saying the other boy's name, but found he could only make animalistic sounds of pleasure. He felt frozen in place, his knees about to buckle under him. He leaned forward, one hand coming to grip at the boy's silky hair when he felt more of himself be taken in, biting his lip hard when he felt a pair of hands clutch at his hips and force them back into the tree trunk.

He clenched his teeth as another moan hissed through at the feeling of the boy drawing his mouth away, the night air hitting him and cooling, and nearly lost it as a tongue swirled around the tip. It took every last ounce of his strength to not thrust forward for fear of hurting Souji, so he just gripped tighter at the silver strands, biting into his knuckles again until skin broke. He'd thought about what it might be like a few times, but he never would have ever _dreamed_ it would ever feel this good.

His breath snagged in his lungs, his hips jerked forward slightly, but Souji pushed him back, his fingers pressing into his skin until they left bruises. His moans echoed in his head as he felt Souji press his tongue flat against the underside of his shaft. His face was contorted into a silent cry for the duration of this sweet, sweet torture.

"S-S-Souji..." He managed to breathe out, ending in a long moan that transformed into a cry. He couldn't hold on any longer, not like this. His hand gripped the boy's hair and the bark on the tree behind him until the skin around his knuckles was tight, a bright flash of white materializing in front of his eyes like oncoming headlights. He was so blinded, he almost thought it was someone with a flashlight, but he let out the most deliciously painful cry, tearing at his throat muscles and he released into the boy's mouth.

Slumped back against the tree, his vision returned and the dark trees reappeared. His breathing was ragged, but steadying as he came down from the high, his knees felt weak and about to give way any second. His face was flushed and moist from sweat. Souji slowly got back up, holding the boy up and brushing away some of the hair stuck to Yosuke's face. He smiled down at the boy, and Yosuke gave a lazy, worn out smile back before Souji leaned down and kissed him more gently than before. Yosuke tasted his mouth was bitter now, and his face grew hotter when he remembered that that was _his_ taste in Souji's mouth.

He was at a complete loss for words when they pulled back again, only far enough so Yosuke could let out a breathy laugh, feeling foolish for before. "Wh-what about you?" He asked, his voice hoarse.

"Next time." Souji soothed, placing a small kiss on the boy's forehead.

_It's just a crush, it'll go away, the feeling will pass._ Those words felt like they slipped further and further out of Yosuke's grasp, and he couldn't care less at the moment.


	6. Red Handed

Yosuke always had a love/hate relationship with the TV world. On one hand, he was fighting for his life to save someone else's before the fog would blanket Inaba, but on the other hand, his Shadow was unfortunately right. It _was_ exciting, it _was_ an adventure, and he could be the hero.

But the more people he saved and the more dungeons he explored, the novelty of being a hero wore off when he realized he was just an ordinary teenager helping people out in extraordinary ways.

The novelty wore off, but a new one emerged from those ashes, because now the dungeon was where the whole group could be together without the annoyance of the Souji-Yukiko pairing. When Souji was knocked down, Yosuke was the first one there to save him. Hell, even if Yukiko was the better healer, _he_ could beat her to the punch and heal the boy first. He could push him out of the way of an attack, he could cure his ailments, he could give him necessary items, relay information to the other's when the other was silenced, and his favourite pastime would be the first to congratulate him on a battle well-done.

The Secret Laboratory was not Yosuke's first choice to, for the lack of a better term, "set the mood", but he took any small amount of contact he could take from the boy. The only problem was their formation – Souji still leading their procession, Yosuke still making up the tail – but he did appreciate any time Souji would turn around to dole out orders and give Yosuke that little smirk, the kind only he could catch because only he was looking for it.

It gave him a thrill, a surge of pure adrenaline every time Souji would look at him like that, brush his hand on Yosuke's hip while passing by, and, on very rare occasions when not a soul was looking, grab and squeeze Yosuke's rear end lightly. The latter would cause the boy's face to erupt into a flushed mess and his heart beat faster than any battle ever could.

For one, this was happening right in the presence of their friends, including Souji's girlfriend, and gave Yosuke that rush of danger that funnily enough the dungeons weren't providing anymore. The other thing was that, although it was just a flirtatious gesture, nothing more had had happened since that night out in the brush by the Samegawa, and this small action suggested something much more than Yosuke had even _thought_ about, save for the odd wet dream here and there.

His sneaking suspicions were not confirmed, though. Whenever he and Souji would spend time alone, the subject never came up, nor would Souji ask to cash in on his rain check. It was as if the night had never happened in the first place, and the thought that maybe Souji didn't want or even _need_ that from him ate away at Yosuke's psyche before he'd snap out of it and remind himself that not only was Souji _not_ like that, but that definitely wasn't the way to keep a boyfriend.

But jealousy would rear its ugly head in the worst of ways when the idea that Souji was getting the goods from elsewhere, namely Yasogami's traditional beauty, would tear its way through Yosuke's mind. Too nervous to ask Souji if he and Yukiko had sealed the deal yet, Yosuke spent many sleepless nights wondering if it could be true.

After attempting to pry any details from the boy, Yosuke had noticed Souji was very different when _talking_ about Yukiko. At least, when they were alone and in each other's arms on Souji's couch.

His arms would tighten slightly and his body would tense up at the mention of his girlfriend in, well, the girlfriend sense. If Yosuke would ask if he and Yukiko were planning an upcoming date, or what they'd done when no one else was around, he'd change.

"Let's not talk about that." He'd say stiffly, although Yosuke could sense that Souji was genuinely trying to sound normal. And that would be it. The subject would drop and never be picked up again. On the contrary, Souji remained calm and casual at the mention of her name as if she were just a friend. It made Yosuke wonder whether something happened between those two behind closed doors and Souji was just not telling him, but he had no way of finding out unless he brought it up.

He decided he'd rather play it safe and ignore it completely.

* * *

"I think that's all we can manage for today." Souji announced, stretching out his back and neck, letting his sword slip to a looser position in his aching and sweaty hand.

"The rain's not due for a few days and I can sense him just beyond this door." Rise announced, stretching her arms high above her head. "It would be best if we were in tip-top shape to get him back."

Chie plopped down on the floor, expressing her exhaustion with a loud and frustrated groan. Her energy had been running on fumes for a while, and she'd relied entirely on her two feet instead of Tomoe for the last few floors. Yukiko giggled tiredly and helped the girl to her feet.

Everyone looked as achy and exhausted as they felt, and Yosuke knew the second he got home he'd ditch having a shower and flop down in bed instead. He wasn't too beat up, so at least he'd leave no blood stains on the sheets like he did last time. Boy, was that an awkward conversation with his mother.

Under the spotlights at the backlot, everyone was eager to go back in through the TVs and return to their respective homes for a week long nap. They were all putting their armour and weapons back into the heavy trunk Yosuke had dragged in to the TV and once locked, Souji stood up straight and announced with a worn-out smile, "Let's take tomorrow off. You all deserve it."

"But Naoto-" Kanji had begun.

"Has plenty of time." His leader interrupted with a gentle smile. "Don't worry, we'll rescue him long before a cloud even floats by. We all need our strength to do so, anyways." Everyone nodded resignedly their agreement before beginning to discuss what they could do with their Sunday off. Yosuke took this as his chance.

"Yo, Souji," out of battle partner mode and back into bro mode, "wanna come over tomorrow?"

The boy smiled warmly, although he looked as beat as Yosuke was. "Sure. Videogames and movies, I assume?" was what his mouth said, but those grey eyes suggested something entirely different.

Yosuke smirked back, his eyes relaying the same message in return. "You know it, partner."

* * *

Yosuke thanked whoever or whatever was watching down on him that his father had given him the day off, but both his parents still had to work. Teddie said he would be spending the day with the girls in the city, shopping for clothes or something, Yosuke wasn't really paying attention. He was much too excited that he'd have the house to himself when Souji came over.

He'd straightened up his room a bit, just to the point that there weren't piles of clothes and stacks of CDs littering the floor like a minefield. He'd already had lunch ready and sitting in the fridge for future re-heating, and set up the videogame system in his room so there'd be no shortage in fun, but what he was really anticipating was just to be able to lie in Souji's arms in his own bed. They'd never done that in the boy's futon, so he felt like it would solidify something if it happened where one of them slept.

The door bell rang a few minutes before Souji was due and Yosuke made a mad dash for the front door, beaming at the silver-haired boy standing at the threshold.

"Wow, a shirt and everything." Souji grinned. "You're doing better than me already."

"Or worse." Yosuke joked, stepping aside to let the boy in. "Depends on what you think is best."

Souji leaned in and placed a light kiss to the boy's temple before whispering "hi" and walking further in to the house. Yosuke felt a fluttering in his stomach; Souji had been here plenty of times before, but it felt different now. This is the first time he was here as... as... well, not as a friend, that's for sure. He watched the boy take in his surroundings and silently assess the room like it had been his first visit here.

"Hey, I've got some snacks and drinks and stuff in here." Yosuke piped up, jogging lightly over to the fridge to grab them before they could head up to his room. "Whaddya wanna dr- hey, where are you going?"

"Not far." Souji hummed, padding his way into the living room. He'd never been in there, and for good reason. The room was like a weird mixture of a family room and a museum, and Yosuke's mother's pride of entertainment. It was nothing more than a showroom, and he never sat in there. There wasn't even a TV.

He watched the boy survey the fireplace mantle, a small smile creeping on his lips and tugging just a bit more each time his eyes settled on a new picture frame. He picked up a frame and fingered its edges, his smile broadening as he stared down. Yosuke blushed, not sure what picture it was, but _any_ picture would be embarrassing.

"Is this you?" Souji held up the frame and chuckled lightly. Yosuke sped over and, after only a glance, and snatched it from the boy's hands.

"Y-yeah." He _knew_ he shouldn't have let Souji even enter this room, he thought as he put the frame back on the mantel. A younger version of himself grinned back; hair style relatively the same, just a little shorter, a front tooth missing, a lunch box in one hand and his mother's hand in the other, and a pair of thick, black-rimmed glasses perched on his nose. He must've been only about six years old in the picture.

"You used to wear glasses?" Souji tilted his head slightly, his hair sweeping down.

"I still... kinda do." Yosuke laughed nervously. "You didn't know?" He didn't like telling people that he was actually a four-eyes; he was bullied relentlessly as a child for wearing glasses, and once he was old enough, had ditched them in favour of contacts.

"Really?" Souji laughed, sounding amazed. "Do you wear contacts?" Yosuke nodded sheepishly. "I've never seen you take them out."

"Well, duh," He punched the boy's shoulder lightly, the blush on his cheeks as persistent as ever, "if I took them out, I wouldn't be able to see, now would I?" He couldn't even bear to look at the boy, his face must've been so red. It was stupid, why was he embarrassed? He had to wear glasses in the TV, it's not like Souji had never seen him with a pair on.

"How blind are you?" Souji asked, smiling brightly. "How many fingers am I holding up?" He held up two fingers and Yosuke punched him harder this time, only for Souji to laugh.

"I have them in _now_ , idiot." Yosuke grumbled, trying to hide the grin spreading on his own face.

"Seriously, how blind are you?" Souji asked through a few left-over laughs. Yosuke eyed him suspiciously at first before he sighed and told him to follow him upstairs. He veered off into the washroom and shut the door before the other could follow, emerging not long after to an empty hall.

He called out for Souji, finding his way to his bedroom and saw the boy lounging on his bed. Blurry, but he could make out the colours at least. He straightened up and tried walking non-chalantly into the room, but instantly tripped on something that blended in too well with the floor and went crashing to the floor.

"Do I even need to ask again?" Souji laughed, standing over the boy and helping him up to his feet and guiding him to sit on the bed. Yosuke smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head, embarrassed at his not-so graceful entrance. "How many fingers?" He held up what Yosuke could make out as two fingers, but I shrugged, a better idea in mind. "Can you see me?"

"No." Yosuke lied, fighting the grin that threatened to give him away. "You're just a grey blob."

Souji scooted closer. "Now?" Yosuke shook his head, waiting until the boy kept inching his way closer, noting the smile that was spreading across his lips. When the boy was so close that he couldn't make anything out at all – their noses just barely touching – he stopped Souji.

"There you are!" He declared with a grin. Souji smiled back before he leaned in, closing the small gap between them with a kiss – just as Yosuke had been hoping. He smiled into the kiss, and his grin persisted even when the boy had pulled away. The next thing he knew, the other boy had grabbed him by the waist and threw him back on the bed. Surprised, and readying himself for something more intense, he was taken aback when he actually started _laughing_ , Souji joining in on their giggling fit.

He was tickling him.

Yosuke batted the hands away, trying to roll onto his stomach so the boy couldn't reach him, holding his sides to protect them from the attack. Souji pinned him down with one hand, the other continuing their torturous ministrations until tears formed at the corner of the boy's eyes and he leaned back down again for another kiss, pressing his lips firmly to Yosuke's.

Yosuke felt downright giddy, smiling like an idiot during the kiss. Souji freed his hands and brought them down to cup lightly at the boy's face, deepening the kiss with a quick swipe of the tongue and tilting his head to feel every crevice of Yosuke's mouth.

Yosuke wrapped his arms around the boy's neck, pulling him down closer, and Souji shifted so he was balancing himself on his elbows, in between Yosuke's legs, one knee propped up.

He was in complete bliss. Yukiko was the furthest thing from his mind, because right now _he_ was Souji's. It was just him and Souji and the four walls, no need to hide how they felt, no need to hold back for fear of someone just walking in, no insecurity towards the other. They could just enjoy each other's company and each other's warmth.

That is, until the door swung wide open and he was jolted out of his blissful reverie to see a curious Teddie standing in the doorway.

"Wha-what the hell?! Teddie, get out!" Yosuke was horrified. He'd seen them, he'd walked in and caught him and Souji red-handed and now his life was _over_.

"Sensei, what are you and Yosuke doing?" Teddie asked, still not moving from the threshold and staring at Souji with all the curiosity of a five year old.

Souji looked over his shoulder at the boy, not moving from where he was perched over the other boy. Why wouldn't he _move_ , things were just getting worse the longer they stayed like this. He was blushing profusely, but the other seemed completely unfazed by Teddie's unexpected arrival.

"We're having some alone time." He said simply, in what Yosuke recognized as his 'leader' tone – authoritative, commanding, and quick to the point.

"Can I join?" Teddie asked innocently.

"No, get out!" Yosuke took the initiative this time, picking up a nearby balled up sock and whipping it at the blurry figure, only to miss due to his horrible vision.

"You're mean!" Teddie wailed and ran away. Yosuke could hear him run down the stairs and sighed shakily. Their secret was out, this was bad, so, so, _so_ bad. Souji would have to dump him and deny the whole encounter, everyone would hate him for luring the boy away from Yukiko, people would have another reason to mock him and look at him funny, stuffing his shoe locker with god knows what kind of gay porn they'd get their hands on and more nasty notes.

Souji turned back to Yosuke, smirking, his eyes half-lidded and he leaned down again to resume what they were doing.

"Woah, woah, woah." Yosuke managed to push his face away and sat bolt upright. "Teddie's _right downstairs_. And he _knows_. Aren't you bothered by it?" He hissed loudly.

Souji merely chuckled and shook his head. "Teddie doesn't even know what we were doing; for all he knows, we were playing a game."

"He's not _that_ stupid." Yosuke felt around for his night stand, reaching down to a drawer once he found the smooth wood top and rummaged inside blindly until his fingers curled around what he was looking for. He pulled it out and opened them up, putting the thick-rimmed black glasses on the bridge of his nose, his vision refocusing until it was perfect again.

But all he could see was the stupid grin on Souji's face.

"What are you so happy about?" He mumbled, one eyebrow cocked as the other boy tried to stifle a laugh. He knew he looked ridiculous in these glasses, there was no need to bust a gut over it though. But as soon as the snickers turned to chuckles and then to full blown laughter, Yosuke couldn't fight off the smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, letting out a few coughs to cover up the impending laughter.

"Okay, go on, get out." Yosuke grabbed his pillow from behind him and whacked the other boy with it, causing the silver strands to stand on end and Souji's hands to protect him futilely from the brutal onslaught of a fluffy pillow. "You've had your fun, you've laughed at me, and now our secret's out."

That last part made his gut wrench, but he'd take care of it. There was no way he was letting this end between him and Souji. He'd had to make too many sacrifices in the last year, he wasn't going to sacrifice possibly the best thing that ever happened to him.

* * *

"Yosuke," Teddie piped up after a long stretch of silence, his legs swinging over the side of Yosuke's bed and his eyes watching the other boy rummage purposefully through his closet, "what were you and Sensei doing earlier?"

Yosuke was dreading having to answer this, but it was a good idea to address the problem. Teddie could _not_ go telling the others about what he saw, and he sort of deserved to know the truth. "We were... doing something private."

"It looked like what Chii and Daiki were doing last week on _The Fate of the Stars_." Another one of Teddie's cheesy soaps? Yosuke sighed, hanging his head briefly before returning to his search in his closet. "They were kissing on the bed and then it lead them to taking off their clothes and then it faded to black. Were you and Sensei kissing?"

Yosuke was silent for a minute, his rummaging halting until the only thing he could hear was his own soft groan before he spoke up. "Yeah. We were."

"Why?"

"Because we like each other in a... more than friends way." He blushed at the thought, glad the other boy couldn't see his face.

"Oh." Teddie sounded satisfied with that answer, but Yosuke wasn't finished yet, much to his own reluctance to continue this awkward conversation.

"Ted?" His voice sounded even foreign to himself.

"Hmm?" The boy sounded distracted now. Probably had lost all interest in the topic.

"You can't... don't tell anyone about what you saw, okay?"

"Why?" The curiosity had returned.

"Because..." Yosuke sighed and stood up, turning around so Teddie could see how serious he was about this, trying to hide the fear from his expression. "What we were doing... it's kind of a secret, alright? The others can't know, not any of them. Mom and Dad especially can't know."

"Why?" The boy asked again.

"What we were doing... it was wrong. We shouldn't be doing it, but we are because we like it and..." He sighed frustratingly, scrubbing his face with one hand. "Just promise me you won't tell anyone or ever bring it up ever again, alright?"

"I promise." Teddie nodded, but Yosuke could sense there was more he wanted to say. "But, Yosuke?"

"Yeah?"

"If it's wrong, why are you doing it?"

Yosuke would've answered that question if he knew the answer.


	7. Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone that read this chapter before 5 or 6, it was a mistake in uploading, sorry!

Yosuke and Souji had to be extra careful in public, especially around Teddie. They couldn't be seen too close to one another, were unable to even sit in the next seat, and talking was mostly done indirectly. Teddie had promised Yosuke he'd never bring up what he saw ever, but the last thing he needed was the boy to see them together and scream it out by accident.

It had put a bump in their relationship, or whatever you wanted to call it. It used to thrill Yosuke when they could share a glance and know what it meant even if their friends didn't, that they could brush hands walking, and his personal favourite: ass-grabbing in the TV world. But all of that was off-limits now.

Being closer to Souji should have been the last thing on his mind; they had just rescued Naoto and had to wait for her to recover to ask the necessary questions. Everyone was so close to finding the killer, they could practically taste the blood they were sure to make him shed.

But Yosuke's mind kept drifting. Back to that day in his room, before Teddie had unceremoniously entered and interrupted them. What would've happened if he hadn't barged in? Would Souji have taken it further? Better yet, would Yosuke even _want_ him to?

He had no doubt in his mind he liked Souji in that way, but the idea of taking their whatever-you'd-like-to-call-it relationship to the next level made him anxious. He'd really enjoyed that night in the brush, but it didn't make that pit in the bottom of his stomach dissipate.

He was sure Souji still hadn't had slept with Yukiko yet, and he was determined to keep it that way. To keep the boy's attention on _him_ and him alone. He just didn't want to keep the attention on him like... that.

Should he just do it already, keep Souji interested in him? Should he not because the idea didn't settle well in his stomach? The question lobbed back and forth in his head until the bell shrilled in his ear and brought him screaming back to his dull classroom.

Naturally, the object of his thoughts was flitting off with his girlfriend for lunch, leaving Yosuke in class to make his own plans. Lunch with Chie? Nah, he brought beef today, and he may not come back alive with her around. The first years? No, things may be awkward around Rise since that little party, and Kanji was still on his case to know what he did to piss off Souji enough to slap him.

Kou and Daisuke were another option, and it seemed like his best bet so far. Packing his things into his bag, he left in search of the two boys in their usual spot outside his classroom, usually chatting it up with a few other boys, but they were absent from their post today. Sighing, Yosuke made his way to the bathroom instead to wash his face and hands and basically just take up time since this lunch already felt endless. At least it gave him a chance to return to his thoughts.

Well, he _would've_ had a chance if he hadn't nearly run into the very same boy on his brain upon entering the bathroom.

"Hey." He forced a smile, trying to appear nonchalant even though the other hadn't spoken to him in what felt like years.

Souji smiled and greeted him, following him back into the empty bathroom. "Working tonight?"

"First Saturday off in weeks." He forced a small laugh, but was more than aware of the steel gaze that bore into the back of his head as he washed his hands.

"Want to have a sleep over?" He didn't need to turn around to know the look on the boy's face, and he didn't need to hear the words to know the insinuation behind it. Worried the boy could hear his heart thumping in his chest, he cleared his throat and washed his hands longer than he needed to.

"Uhh... sure." He bit his lip. "My house or yours?" He suddenly felt like this was some kind of shady deal instead of making plans with his best friend.

"Nanako's having a friend over tonight since Dojima'll be home, so is yours okay?" He glanced up to see the other deliberately watching him in the mirror. Feeling his cheeks heating up, he focused on lathering his hands longer than necessary.

"Yeah, we can go together after school." He said, looking back down to his hands growing pruneier the longer he tried to look busy. Finally deciding that there was no way he could milk this any longer, he moved away, drying his hands on his jacket.

With no more than a hum of approval from the other boy, he found the small of his back pressed against the sink and slender hands at his hips. "Maybe tonight," Souji leaned in enough so his breath ghosted over the other's face and his lips teased Yosuke's, "I'll get my turn." And with that, he leaned in all the way and sealed the deal with a warm mouth over his. And just as quickly as it came, it was gone.

Flash in a pan. He wasn't sure if it was the kiss, or this skewed relationship he meant.

* * *

Yosuke watched from the gate Souji say goodbye to his girlfriend, unable to peel his eyes away from the kiss and overwhelmed with jealousy. Jealousy he'd never vocalize even if it ate him up from the inside out.

He bit the inside of his lip when he watched the two oh so precious lovebirds say goodbye, exchanging one last look, a look that replaced Yosuke's blood with searing hot lead. How could it _physically hurt_ to see Souji looking at someone else like that?

"All set?" Souji gave the other a warm smile, shouldering his bag. Yosuke nodded solemnly, but when he saw the other raise an eyebrow questioningly, forced a grin on his face. He couldn't ruin the night they were going to have just because he was bothered with is best friend's girlfriend.

They made idle chit chat on the way to the Hanamura residence, but Yosuke was silently playing out the night in his mind's eye. He'd made his decision; he was not going to let his insecurities get in the way, he needed to top Yukiko. He needed to offer something she wouldn't. He needed the boy's attention, and maybe, just _maybe_ if he did this, Souji would realize who he'd rather be with and end things with Yukiko. In a way that wouldn't hurt her, of course.

He'd thought long and hard about it the last few nights – well, maybe not _too_ hard, lest he'd need to take care of a little problem – and he came to the conclusion that... he _really_ liked Souji, and _really_ wanted to keep things going. It sounded pathetic when he thought about it, but he'd do anything to keep that, to keep Souji. If he needed to give up something he could never get back, and wasn't entirely sure he was ready to lose, he'd do it. Souji only needed to ask.

* * *

Yosuke never heard the request vocalized, but he did get the general idea. And he didn't think it was a question more so than it was a direct command from his leader.

His parents had been home in the evening, so the touchy-feely moments had to come to a halt. Teddie was prying in their business on top of it all, but it wasn't like they could do much anyways.

Yosuke's father was always a bit wary of Souji whenever he came over. Maybe it had been the incident with the two of them being arrested at the food court, or that Yosuke would spend many an hour talking to the other when he was supposed to be working at Junes. Mr. Hanamura had spent a few dinners mumbling about how he couldn't tell if Yosuke was rubbing off on Souji, or vice versa, and had the feeling the new city boy could be a bad egg.

Yosuke's mother, on the other hand, was glad that Yosuke finally had a friend, and a close one at that. He'd never really had friends over when he was younger, and she always knew he'd been bullied relentlessly. As a child, he would even fake sicknesses just so he wouldn't have to go to school, but now with Souji around, Yosuke seemed a lot more confident and comfortable. She was happy her son was happy.

Yosuke wasn't sure how happy she'd be to know that just don't the hall, in the middle of the night, his oh-so close friend was on top of her son, his tongue down his throat and his hands roaming.

They'd said goodnight to the Hanamura parents and took off for Yosuke's room earlier than they usually would, but didn't turn off the lights and crawl on to his bed until the wee hours of the morning and the safety of knowing Yosuke's parents were asleep and Teddie was not to disturb them.

They kept their voices low, hoping beyond hope that the quiet moans and gasps wouldn't seep through the walls and reach the ears of unsuspecting listeners. The room felt like it was becoming much too hot, and Yosuke's heart was thumping hard in his chest. His lungs were completely robbed of air, and Souji was denying him to take another breath.

He didn't understand how their breathing could be so _loud_ if he couldn't even get a breath in, but it was. The sound filled the whole _room_. He clutched at Souji's back, wrinkling the fabric of his shirt and pulling it taut, bending one knee and curling his toes.

It was too damn _hot_ and he needed air, he thought he was going to suffocate. He pulled away from the other, gasping for air, but Souji just dipped his head down and assaulted his neck instead, drawing a quiet gasp from the other.

Yosuke knew that this had to be it. There was no turning back, they both were already absorbed in this and things were progressing so quickly he was surprised he didn't get whiplash. But there was a knot still twisting in the pit of his stomach, the same stomach that lurched when he felt a knee press firmly between his legs, the same stomach that twitched when he felt fingertips graze against his heated skin under his shirt.

Hands trailed up his sides, dragging the shirt up with them until he felt it tugged over his head and tossed to the side. The hands were back on him again in a second, ghosting down his chest to his stomach, then back around to his waist where they gripped firmly.

His heart leapt into his chest and another gasp escaped his throat when he felt the hands move their way to the button on his jeans and could feel them pop open. When he felt them sliding down his hips and tugged off his legs, landing in a crumpled mess on his bedroom floor, he just stopped himself short of telling the other to wait. There was no _way_ he was letting his insecurities get in the way of him having Souji.

But things were still moving fast. The next second, he felt a hand slide around his waist and down underneath his boxers were they grabbed a handful of his rear, and Souji pulled away.

"My turn tonight?" He whispered, his voice breathy and heavy with lust, his eyes clouded from what Yosuke could see in the dark. He nodded quietly, shifting underneath the boy to get comfortable for what could either be the most pleasurable thing he'd ever experience, or the single most embarrassing decision he'd ever made.

Souji gave a small smile, kissing down the boy's jaw line and moving to kiss where jaw met neck before Yosuke spoke up, his voice foreign to even him – quiet and shaky, either from nerves or excitement, he couldn't tell.

"Just..." He licked his lips and swallowed hard before continuing, "Just be gentle, okay?" He felt the other's response against his throat, a low hum he could only hope meant he understood and was going to comply, but no one could make Souji do something he didn't want to do if his mind was set on the opposite.

But he kept his thoughts to himself; what Souji wanted, he was going to give him, no matter what.

His boxers slid down and off of him slowly, discarded on the floor along with the rest of his clothes until he was completely bare and entirely exposed to the other. Souji leaned back, soaking in the other with a slight smirk pulling at the corner of his lips before he began undoing the buttons of his own shirt, his eyes locked with Yosuke's. He couldn't help but blush furiously under that gaze, and used his remaining will-power to not curl in on himself and hide away, but his arms clearly didn't listen when they closed in over his chest and he turned away.

It was all much too intense, and his mind kept jumping back and forth between completely chickening out, telling Souji he was not ready, or giving into his carnal desires while simultaneously making Souji happy. It was a battle of mentality versus body, mind versus heart, and in the end, his heart always won.

Souji was back down on top of him again, kissing him deeply and pressing close. Yosuke's heart skipped a beat or two from the skin on skin contact, and he shut off his brain, letting his body take complete control. His arms curled around the boy's neck and brought him down closer, arching himself off the bed to press against him. He could vaguely hear a belt being undone and sliding out of belt loops, but his mind was so far gone at this point, he couldn't tell. He was completely engrossed with thoughts of the other.

Before he knew it, he felt hands on his rear again, squeezing hard before he felt long slender fingers trace up the cleft. He didn't know when Souji had slicked them, but he jumped at the feeling of a cold finger circling something he never thought a finger would be this close to. His heart picked up its pace, and his breathing grew short and quick. This was happening, this was really and truly happening. No turning back, no fighting it, no nothing. He was going to have his first time, and it was going to be with a guy, his best friend, with his parents right down the hall.

Dammit, he thought he switched off his brain.

He gasped, the sound caught in his throat when he felt a finger press in, immediately tensing up, but Souji was quick to soothe, whispering against his temple to relax. Yosuke complied, swallowing hard and trying to regulate his breathing, willing his body to once listen to him.

He was back to debating whether he should call it quits, but kept his tongue behind gritted teeth when a second finger was added, his hands clenching Souji's arms. The other chuckled lowly, slowing his movements briefly before he began trying to... open him up.

It was uncomfortable, and it sort of hurt with a dull pain, being stretched out. But it would make it hurt less in the end, right? Oh god, Souji was going to be bigger than this, and it was going to hurt like hell, and holy shit he was going to be _inside_ Yosuke and-

His throat locked up. He couldn't panic, there was nothing to panic about. It wasn't going to hurt _that_ bad, right? He loved Souji, he wanted to make him happy, be as close to him as possible and-

Wait. Did he just think... he loved Souji? His body completely relaxed at this realization. He freaking _loved_ Souji. That was...

His whole body jolted when he felt something deep inside him pressed against. What in the fuck was _that_? God, there could be no worse time to have an epiphany about your feelings for your best friend. His mind was screaming at him to pay attention to it and work things out in his brain, while his body was tugging at his leg to focus on what it was feeling and-

Holy shit, that felt really _good_. He moaned this time, a little louder than before, which earned him a low hum of approval. It still hurt, being opened up from behind, but the dull pain was subsiding and being replaced with a sharp pleasure from deep within.

Sex was fucking _weird_.

He hadn't even realized that Souji had moved back, and Yosuke turned a deep red while he watched the other stroke himself, and oh god was he _slicking himself up?_ Yosuke's mind was a strange whirlwind of epiphanies, pleasure, and dumb-founded realization that yes, this was definitely happening, and yes, this was all real. A little _too_ real.

He needed a minute, just one _little_ minute to collect his thoughts, and he opened his mouth to tell Souji to cool it for just one second, _wait just a damn minute_ and-

Yosuke cried out, his whole body clenching; his toes curled in on themselves and refused to release, his legs were trying to close but were met with Souji's body, and his hands locked themselves in a death grip on the flesh of the boy's back, and he was clenching on...

Oh dear god.

Souji waited a minute, breathing deeply save for the odd hitch in his breath here and there. Yosuke's voice was stuck in his throat, and he was gasping for air. _Fuck_ , Souji was already... Souji had already...

There was definitely no turning back now.

He loosened his grip once he got used to the... size, and felt it recede only to push back in with more force than the first time, dotted with a grunt courtesy of Souji. Pulled back, thrust in. Pulled back, thrust in. And again, and again, and again.

With every thrust back in, Yosuke tensed up again, and with every withdraw, he relaxed. It was like some weird piston machine, complete with moans, groans, gasps and grunts.

The pace began to pick up, Souji bowing his head into Yosuke's chest as his thrusts grew more and more rough, his hands pulling at the sheets just to the sides of Yosuke. He could feel the hot puffs of air Souji would breathe out, each one hitched at the end with every thrust.

And _fuck_ did it hurt. He could feel the impending tears stinging at the backs of his eyes and squeezed them shut just to secure them. He wrapped his arms further around the other, holding him tight and holding on for dear life, even wrapping his legs around the other for good measure, but this only made the other begin to thrust _down_ , pushing him down into the mattress each time with a telltale creak of the bed.

Yosuke cried out again, this time turning into a long, drawn out moan when he felt that spot, that whatever-it-is pushed against and his hips twitched up into the other. He was so focused on the fact that they were doing this that he didn't even realize he was _enjoying_ it. The switch in his mind really did flip this time.

He pushed up against the other, moaning with every bit of sweet friction he was granted. He silently cursed the boy for neglecting him during this, but he could only imagine how good it felt from Souji's side, if his moans and grunts were enough to go off of.

"Yosuke..." Souji moaned against his skin, his breathing as erratic and ragged as his movements were becoming. "You're so..." He trailed off into another moan, hitched at the end, before he jumped up to kiss the other, although it was brief. Neither of them could be divested of air for too long, but Souji didn't duck his head this time, staying put where he was to breathe and pant over Yosuke's lips, his breath ghosting over the boy's already heated face.

Yosuke moaned his name back, feeling himself draw closer despite his lack of attention. When he felt a hand run through his hair, down his face and chest and grasp firmly around his shaft, he cried out, loud enough he was sure his parents heard. His whole body arched into the other, writhing with every pump of that hand, his mouth open in a silent cry that just wouldn't dislodge itself from his throat until he felt his whole body go rigid and his release wash over him, blinding his sight and aching every muscle in his body.

He fell back on the bed, his energy completely depleted and his breathing short and ragged. Souji moved his hand off of the other, tangling it in the boy's sheets – wow, thanks, partner, now they're ruined – and continued to thrust into the other for a little while longer.

It felt a little awkward now for Yosuke, since he had already finished and was completely worn out, but within a few minutes, Souji's breath hitched and his head bowed low again, and he could feel something in him. Something uncomfortable.

When Souji pulled away and sat up, beginning to straighten himself out, something washed over Yosuke. What it was, he didn't know. He had realized he'd loved his best friend, would do anything for him, but the knot was still in the pit of his stomach, and he'd slowly come to realize what it was.

Souji whispered he was going to go clean himself up in the washroom, and Yosuke nodded solemnly, only letting the tears falls when the door had closed.


	8. Truth

The night had been awful. Yosuke couldn’t let Souji know how upset he was, or how it had been painful, so the moment he walked back in, Yosuke was already pretending to be fast asleep, burying his face in the pillow and pulling the blankets up to his chin. Souji seemed to have paid no mind, crawling in next to Yosuke and making himself comfortable.

It wasn’t long before he heard the steady breathing from behind him, and he chanced a look over his shoulder, being extra careful not to disturb the blankets or creak the bed. Sure enough, Souji was fast asleep; the same sleeping boy that he was dreaming about just a few weeks ago. Silver hair damp and dishevelled, lips parted just enough to see a sliver of pearly whites touch a soft pink, his face...

Yosuke found he was staring and turned back to face the wall, his cheeks feeling warmer. He didn’t regret what he did tonight, he was just ashamed he had to do it at all. But Souji was happy, and that made it worthwhile. Souji might love him because he did this, he’d given him what he wanted and made him feel good, something he was _sure_ Yukiko hadn’t done. A small smile crept up on his face.

He’d given Souji what could be called the ultimate pleasure, not his damn girlfriend. Sure, it was at the cost of some pain and a little self-deprecation, but it was worth it for Souji. And, it may be a bit selfish to say, but Yosuke thought Souji would say... something. Say a few words that would mean the world to him, praise him for all he’d done and love him for who he was. He strived to reach that goal, and if that meant doing a few things he didn’t want to in particularly, he’d do them in a heartbeat.

He turned over in the covers quietly and carefully as to not rouse the other, and curled in close to his warm chest.

He’d do it all for Souji, if that meant he’d love Yosuke.

 

* * *

 

 

Souji had seemed like he’d been in a better mood since that night; he seemed kinder, gentler, more attentive to Yosuke, and Yosuke’d practically bathed in the love and attention. They hadn’t done it again since that night, not between both of their work schedules and school, but the weekend would come again soon enough. Yosuke wasn’t particularly excited for what it would bring, but over the week, he’d found he had adored the closeness. He was as close to Souji as he could get, as _anyone_ could get. He’d provided something to Souji no one else had before him, shared such a new experience with him. _No one_ could take that away, not even if Yukiko jumped his bones next week. Yosuke had been his first, and Souji had been his.

The shame of doing such an act before he was ready soon dissipated with every small touch, gentle kiss and broad smile shot his way. With every one, his heart swelled and he knew he’d done the right thing, and the shame had been pushed further and further down until it never was brought back up.

That is, until the moon rose and so did his insecurities. Without kind words and a brilliant grin, his shadow would stretch along the wall and ceiling of his bedroom as he lay awake, engulfing him in the doubts and shame.

 _Fucking whore,_ he’d hear the distorted voice echo in his head. _Can’t keep someone’s interest unless you let them fuck you into your mattress, huh? Under your parents goddamn noses, no less, you fucking sicko. This is why Souji hit you that day, ‘cause you’re disgusting and_ pathetic _. You didn’t even put up a fight, did you? Just gave it to him so he’d be happy._

He’d toss and turn all night, his mind reeling with shame and despair. Until the next day, when Souji would greet him cheerfully, pull him off to one side for a brief moment of privacy, kiss his face lovingly and stroke the back of his hand with one thumb, lean in close and whisper how he’d missed him and couldn’t wait to wake up this morning and see him again. It was like Souji loved him, and although no words were spoken, Yosuke believed that. Believed it with all his heart and that maybe this would silence his thoughts at night.

“Alright, what’s up?” Chie put down her drink and stared hard at Yosuke across the plastic Junes table.

“Wh-what?” His cheeks turned red under her all-knowing gaze and he stiffened. Okay, _maybe_ he’d been day-dreaming about Souji when he and Chie had been working a shift, and continued the fantasy into their dinner break.

“You’ve been staring at that sign for, like, twenty minutes!” Yosuke knew Chie was over-exaggerating – _twenty minutes my ass, we’d been here for no more than ten_ – but his blush only deepened when his eyes flicked towards the promotional sign standing across from their table. “What were you thinking about?”

She leaned a bit closer, and her mischievous grin stretched from ear to ear and her eyes took on a devilish sparkle. She had clearly noticed the pink tint of Yosuke’s cheeks despite him trying to hide it beneath the fur collar of his jacket. “Or should I say, _who_ were you thinking about, _Hana-chan_?”

Yosuke groaned, cursing the day she’d heard Saki-senpai use that wretchedly girly nickname, using it whenever she teased. “I wasn’t thinking of anyone! J-just... we’re going to start offering some new dishes here, and that sign reminded me of one.”

“Oh?” She leaned back, one eyebrow cocked and her arms crossed firmly over her chest. “Does this dish have _beautiful, slim legs_ too?” He’s going to kill Kanji.

“No! It has...” Piercing eyes, silky hair, toned muscles and milky skin. “Noodles! And beef!”

“Don’t try and distract me, lover boy!” Dammit, the one time she ignored beef. “Tell me who it is!”

Chie, aside from Souji, was his best friend. He’d been closer to her than anyone else before Souji came, but his friendship with her really deepened once the case started. They really did care for each other, in a twisted brotherly-sisterly kind of way that usually involved kicks to the groin or punches to the arm or pushes into a disgusting and freezing river. But _this_... this was too much to reveal.

“It’s no one!”

“Bullshit.” She snapped. Oh god, he’d awoken the beast. “Why the hell can’t you tell me, Hanamura?! You can tell me dirty jokes at two in the morning that border on sexual harassment, and you can tell me about your weird ‘guy problems’” he shot her a warning look to not say them out loud, “but you can’t tell me who it is you like? Why not?”

“It’s...” He searched for the right word. Forbidden, gay, secret love affair with the leader of our team, “complicated...”

“Alright fine, don’t tell me.” She huffed, turning away from him. He groaned, not wanting to deal with a pissed off Chie for the rest of the night.

“Fine.” He whined, burying his face in his hands. “It’s someone... you know...”

“Really? Who?!” She seemed to bounce back quick.

“I’m not telling you everything!” He snapped his head up. The thought of Chie finding out that he had been sneaking around with her best friend’s boyfriend was an ugly one. _You’re disgusting Hanamura, I can’t believe you’d do that! Are you really so pathetic that you’d stoop so low? I’m going to go tell Yukiko and the others right now, and_ don’t _think about ever talking to me again!_

“H-hey...” His eyes focused back again. “Are you okay...?” Chie’s determined and slightly frightening expression had been replaced with worry. “Yosuke, I’m not going to make you tell me if...” She trailed off, and he instantly felt bad. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong or-”

“It’s not you...” He sighed, slumping in his chair. “It’s just... complicated, alright?”

“It’s not anything... bad, right?” Even her voice sounded worried, he soon discovered when he focused on the edge of the table.

“No, it’s just...” He groaned, thoroughly frustrated with himself and scrubbing his face with one hand.

“O-okay...” It was quiet for a minute after that, just the steady sound of background noise and chattering crowds. “But, Yosuke? You can always come to me, alright? For whatever it is. You’re an idiot, but you’re _my_ idiot, got it? And no girl is going to break your balls, because that’s _my_ job.”

He looked back up to her to see an infectious grin, already feeling the effects twitch his own lips into a half-smile. “Now who’s telling dirty things to who.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Yo, Souji!” Yosuke waved at the boy down the hall during lunch break; it seemed Yukiko needed to use the restroom. Souji gave a small smile and waved him over, and Yosuke was quick to follow the direction. “Free tonight?”

“I could probably take a day off from the daycare, why?” Yosuke loved the way Souji’s lips would curl into a mischievous smile at one corner, barely containing themselves from a full-blown grin.

“I was thinking we should hit up the movies tonight. Whaddya say?”

“Sounds like a good plan.” Souji leaned a little closer to the other, his smile taking on a bit of an edge and his eyes acquiring a playful glint. “What time should we meet at Yasoinaba station?”

“How about 6? That way we can grab a bite when we get there and catch a good time.” Yosuke couldn’t help but mimic the underlying tones, his voice gaining a suggestive tone. He really was just inviting Souji to the movies, but when Souji would suggest otherwise, it was a habit that Yosuke would, too. It was all just fun anyways.

“Meet you there.” Souji said that a little lower than he should’ve, and Yosuke fought every fibre of his being to not pull the boy down into a rough kiss. Fortunately, or rather, unfortunately, Yukiko walked out of the bathroom, straightening out her skirt before she took her boyfriend’s hand in hers, offering a warm smile and greeting to Yosuke, who had slunk a few steps back from the two the second she arrived. He tried his hardest not to glare, but seeing her fingers intertwined with his was like rubbing it in his face.

He’ll show her. Tonight, he and Souji were going to be in a dark theatre, and she’d be sitting at home alone. Tonight, he’ll thread his fingers with Souji’s, and he’ll sit close to him, and he’ll kiss his cheek and laugh lightly at just being in his presence, not _her_. She could do all that shit now if she wanted, but Souji was happy with him. Souji cared for him. And maybe, Souji loved him.

He was so consumed with scowling in their direction as the couple walked off, he hadn’t noticed Chie walking towards him, glancing back to see what he was glaring at, and shoot him one tight-lip, shocked look.

 _Shit_.

“I can’t believe this!” She whisper-yelled once she was close enough. Yosuke’s scowl had melted away, and sheer panic rose within. _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit_. “You like...!”

“Shh!” He shushed her loudly, ushering her to the stair way to talk a bit more privately.

“But I can’t believe it!” She continued to hiss loudly. “You really like-”

“Yes.” He said calmly. He needed her to calm down and _shut up_ before the whole school knew, he couldn’t believe he let this shit _happen_ why couldn’t he have just walked away and scowled elsewhere, _goddammit_.

“But Yosuke, they’re in a relationship, you can’t go messing with that.”

“I-I know! But... I really...” He felt his heart leap in his throat and lodge itself there, and he swallowed hard, looking at his feet as the shame took over again.

“Yosuke...” Chie said it quietly, full of... _pity_. He was pathetic. “Yosuke, how do you feel? I mean, about them? I know it musn’t be easy, but...” He could tell from how soft her voice was, a rare feat for Chie, that she was treading lightly around this delicate topic. “How... how do you feel about h-”

“I think...” he cut her off, the words swimming in his head, they have been since that night. “I think I love him...”

“Wait.” She said this louder, offsetting her early and short-lived gentle-tone. “H... h-him?!”

_Fuck._

“I-I...” _Fuck!_ He’d been panicking just from Chie and her prying and then seeing him glaring at them that he never even fucking _considered_ she might’ve thought he liked Yukiko.

_FUCK!_

“Wh-what do you mean... him?!” Chie had abandoned any attempt at being quiet at this point. “Y-you don’t mean...”

Yosuke thought he was going to throw up. He legitimately thought he was going to lose his lunch on Chie and she’d shriek and run away and he’d be known as that freak that threw up on a girl in the stairwell. He felt sick to his stomach. He felt dizzy. He felt like the world had come crashing down all around him and he was choking on the dust and he’d collapse and crack his skull on the debris and-

“Yosuke?!” Chie was back to her loud whispers, punching Yosuke on the arm. “Will you answer me already?! What the hell do you mean _him_?! You can’t possibly mean... oh no, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me...” she laughed, shaking her head in disbelief. “This is all a joke, right? You’re not in love with... Souji... right?”

He didn’t answer. Just stared at his friend, soon to be ex-friend. He let it slip that he loved Souji, the secret was out, she’d go running to Yukiko and Yukiko would tear him limb from limb for fooling around with her boyfriend. He was a loser. He was a pathetic loser who just wanted to do nothing more than run home and hide under his covers and cry because he’d been so _fucking stupid_.

“Yosuke...” There was that pitying voice again. Chie lightly touched her friend’s arm, her eyes searching his face for something. Maybe a hint that he had been kidding, maybe something to suggest it was a slip of the tongue. Maybe a sign of something other than complete regret and shame. “Yosuke... are you really... in _love_ with him? A-are you sure you’re not just... curious?”

He stared at the wall behind her a little longer before shaking his head slowly. He was sure of how he felt, so heart-breakingly, bone-achingly, want-to-slit-my-own-throat-every-time-I-see-them-together sure that he was in love with his best friend. “I’m...” his mouth felt dry, and he tried licking his lips before biting his lower one. He could only think of two words to say right now, two brutally honest words. “I’m sorry.”

“Why...?” She asked quietly, still searching her friend’s eyes for something.

“Because... it’s wrong, isn’t it?” He heard his voice crack, feeling the lump in his throat swell with despair and the tears threaten to overflow from his eyes.

“Why would it be wrong...?”

“H-he’s... with her... and I’m...” A loser, a guy, not the most beautiful girl in school that comes from a traditional and well respected family but one of ridicule and hatred. “Me...”

Chie said nothing after that, and the lump only grew larger, thoroughly silencing him. He squeezed his eyes shut, if only to stop the room from spinning, when he felt a pair of arms around his middle and warmth against him. “You really are an idiot, aren’t you...”

He wrapped his arms around her in return, squeezing so tight. All of his doubts and fears were flowing free from him now, and he was just glad someone was there for him when it happened.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tell him.” Chie said it quietly, but sternly. She’d brought Yosuke up to the roof –thank god Souji and Yukiko weren’t up here – to talk about everything. Yosuke had only begun with the fact that he thinks he’d fallen for his best friend, but when Chie barraged him with questions, and then began piecing information together from the past few weeks, he’d admitted to the affair. She’d been silent through it all, a miracle in and of itself, and he made her promise not to tell anyone. She had agreed, only because she saw how much her friend was hurting.

“What?” he asked, in disbelief.

“Tell him.” She repeated, a little more firmly this time. She was only met with disgust at the idea and disbelief at the preposterous proposal. “Yosuke, you have to tell him.”

“Why should I te-”

“If you don’t, you’ll regret it. He sounds like he may... love you, too.” She was still having a hard time adapting to the whole idea, and would hesitate in her sentences often. “It’s not fair to Yukiko either. If it was anyone _but_ you, I’d be telling her right now about all of this. What Souji’s doing... it’s not fair to either of you, but that’s because he doesn’t know the truth. So you have to tell him. Once he knows how you feel, that’ll push him to choose.”

“But...” Yosuke bit his lip and stared at his shoes, fidgeting slightly and pushing a pebble to hit his other shoe. “What if he doesn’t choose me...?”

Chie was silent for a while before she finally spoke up. “Then at least he knows the truth.” She sighed, her shoulders slumping. “Look, Yosuke, he needs to know, and you need to tell him. You both _need_ this, and Yukiko deserves to be happy, too. If everything you told me is true, it sounds like he really, really cares. Tell him.”

He nodded solemnly. “Yeah...” He said quietly, more to himself than anything. Souji had been treating him with so much kindness, so much love lately. Yosuke could just _feel_ it, there had to be something there. “I’ll tell him. Tonight.”


	9. Yours to Have, Mine to Hold

Yosuke checked his watch. Fifteen minutes until six; he lowered his hands back down slowly, his arms shaking and he sighed deeply, his breath visible and whispy in the frigid air.

God, he was even more nervous than when he’d arrived at the train station twenty minutes ago. He’d rushed home right after school, showered and spent longer than he normally would picking out just the right outfit.

His hands tightened around the bench, his knuckles going bone white, letting out another shuddering breath. He looked around the station, scanning the faces for one that made his heart skip with one piercing gaze, but didn’t spot him yet.

Duh, it was still early. They agreed to meet at six, and Yosuke was just being paranoid, as well as insanely early.

The wind picked up a bit and blew down his shirt, making him curl into himself and bury his chin into his muffler. He didn’t know if he could do it. He _couldn’t_ , he _can’t_ , he won’t do it!

He didn’t think he could, not when Souji was still with Yukiko, not when he was still him. He wasn’t stunningly beautiful, he wasn’t even good looking, all bones and skin and sharp angles, constantly tousled hair that would _never_ tame. He had a stutter when he was nervous and would swallow in the middle of sentences, and his laugh was even more obnoxious than Yukiko’s. His eyes were too small and he had a habit of making the weirdest faces basically all of the time, not to mention his horrible smile that always looked like he was either in pain or constipated.

He was annoying, too, and an asshole. He used humour as a defense mechanism, and he felt bad whenever he made fun of Kanji or called Teddie a stupid bear or insulted Chie’s femininity, but he always did it without fail, and never apologized. How he had friends amazed him.

He’d whine and bitch and complain _constantly_ , about school, about work, about home or his life, and it was always, _always_ his fault but he never changed and that would create problems he complained about. One big vicious cycle.

He was rude. He put on his headphones when he was with other people and played videogames when others were visiting or he was at their house and would be silent for long periods of time and only occasionally would it occur to him that he was being an asshole but he never changed.

He wasn’t fun, and he only appeared to be happy and a hoot, but when someone would catch him alone he was as awkward as a fish flopping on the shore, scrambling for a topic or a joke or something that wouldn’t make the other person hate him forever, but he somehow always managed to stick his foot in his mouth and he _hated_ himself for that.

In comparison, if he were Souji, he’d choose Yukiko over him in a heartbeat. He had no redeemable qualities; he was more like a hurt puppy that would lick his wounds and stay by his friends’ side until they abandoned him and he’d be forced to find someone else.

 _That’s_ why he _needed_ to tell Souji.

Maybe... maybe if he knew how much he loved him, how much he cared and would do anything to make him happy, to make him love him back, he’d choose him. His love for Souji was the one thing he had Yukiko couldn’t. His dedication had no comparison, and maybe Souji would favour that over all his horrible qualities.

Hopefully.

He checked his watch again. Thirteen minutes until six.

 

* * *

 

 

Eighteen minutes past six.

Souji was late. Yosuke checked his phone for any messages, but saw none. What was keeping him? Maybe he was eating, maybe he was making sure Nanako was okay, maybe he took a wrong turn and got lost, maybe he got hit by a car, oh god, Yosuke killed him, he killed his best friend and leader and love of his life.

He dialed the other’s number, his fingers sliding across the keys at lightning speed. He listened to the phone ring, three times, four times, five. It cut off, and he heard the all-too familiar voice.

“ _Hi, you’ve reached the cell phone of Seta Souji. I’m sorry I’m unavailable right now, but if you leave your name and phone number, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you, and have a nice day._ ”

“H-hey, Souji.” Yosuke cleared his throat before continuing. “It’s like, 6:20, and I just hope you’re okay and stuff, dude. Uh... I-I’ll hang around here for a while longer, but, haha, it’s really cold outside, so hurry up, will ya...? Just... yeah... see you soon... be careful...”

He snapped his phone shut and got up from the bench, walking over to the vending machines and staring at the merchandise inside, not intending to buy, but more so to keep his mind preoccupied. He thought of what the difference was between two very similar beverages, trying to remember what each tasted like, but his mind kept wandering back to Souji. He started pressing buttons idly, watching them light up and beep until he just couldn’t concentrate on them anymore and decided to lean on the wall next to it.

He flipped open his phone. 6:38. He shot Souji a quick text, just _Hey just leanin behind vending machine, didnt leave yet aha_ and then a quick _?? r u?_

6:53. _Souji, you better be okay, or I’ll kick your ass._ He couldn’t even be assed to type incoherently to seem light-hearted.

6:56. _Souj, are you okay?_

6:57. _I don’t see you, we said meet at Yasoinaba, right?_

He stopped messaging him, staring pointedly at the little clock, even checking his watch in between like that might speed up time. Once his watch struck 7 first, he dialed Souji again.

One ring, two rings, three rings, four. It cut off after that, sent straight to voicemail.

“Yeah, hey Souji. Just... wondering where you are. It’s cold as balls out here, so it’d really help if you hurried up if you could, haha. Call me back.”

Ten minutes later, he tried calling again. One ring, two rings, voicemail. His heart sank like a stone and sat uncomfortably in his stomach – he knew what that meant. Souji had seen who’s number it was, and hit ignore. Why else would it ring only twice?

He didn’t bother leaving a message, nor did he text Souji after that. He waited at the station, back on the bench, his only friend, looking around hoping he’d spot Souji, but when it was nearing 8 and the sun was hanging low, he doubted he’d come. By the time the sun had completely disappeared, leaving only a light purple over the horizon and the first few twinkle of stars did Yosuke heave himself off the bench with a heavy heart and head home.

Heartbroken and crestfallen, he dragged himself through the cold and the dark , trying his best not to let the tears that stung his eyes fall, but failed at the halfway mark. It was a sign. It had to be a sign not to tell Souji how he felt, and he thought that fact hurt the most.

He dragged himself along the pathway, swiping at his eyes and trying desperately to keep the wracking sobs in his chest, but they somehow always found a way to bubble out every once in a while. Dragged himself to his front door, where he wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve, leaving an unflattering slick trail in its wake. Dragged himself up the stairs after kicking off his shoes, wishing he could just curl up there and cry but knew how inappropriate that would be. Dragged himself into bed and under his covers, finally letting the quiet sobs free.

 

* * *

 

 

Yosuke faked ill to get out of going to school the next day; his pale and weak demeanour helped him convince his mom. He stayed in bed well into the afternoon despite Teddie’s worried looks and suggestions to come play, keeping his face buried in the warmth of his covers and dozing in and out of a dreamless sleep, one he could only be thankful for after yesterday’s disappointing outcome.

It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that the doorbell rang. Yosuke peeked out from under is covers, waiting until Teddie answered the door, but a second ring told him the boy hadn’t yet.

“Teddie!” He yelled, voice raw and hoarse from crying the night before and not being used much today. “Door!”

 _Ring_.

“Teddie!” He yelled louder this time, but no answer. Cursing under his breath, he lugged himself out of bed and downstairs, not in the mood for this shit. He caught a glimpse of a crudely handwritten note on the fridge saying Teddie left to go play with Nana-chan at the park and he hoped Yosuke felt bear-tter.

He rolled his eyes, but smiled slightly before moving to answer the door with a grumble.

“S... Souji...” He said, a little breathless at the sight of his friend.

“Hey, Yosuke. Can I come in?”

“Y-yeah!” Yosuke straightened up and stepped aside, allowing the other to step inside before he closed the door. “Wh-what are you doing here. I, ah, mean... don’t y-you have basketball? Today?” He silently cursed himself for his awkward speech, but was still a little frazzled by the unexpected visit, especially after being stood up the day before.

“You didn’t come to school.” Souji muttered, turning to face the other with an expression Yosuke couldn’t quite read. Anger? Disappointment? Authoritativeness?

“I, uh. I wasn’t feeling well.” Yosuke looked away, unable to meet such a disapproving stare, so strong it made his blood run cold.

“Liar.”

“Wh-what? I-I’m not lying!” His cheeks burned hot with deception; he was an _awful_ liar when it came to things like this. Sure, he could keep his own feelings secret, but never something like faking sick.

Souji scoffed and that made Yosuke’s icy veins boil with an unprecedented rage.

“Well, what about you, huh?!” Souji blinked, slightly taken aback by Yosuke’s outburst, and it only fueled his fury. “Why are you on _my_ case about not coming to school when you couldn’t even show up last night! Couldn’t even fucking call me to tell me you were alright! I sure had a nice conversation with your answering machine, though, thanks.”

“I was with Yukiko.” Souji said sternly, his eyes ablaze with a carefully controlled anger that looked ready to snap at any second; his teeth clenched tight and his jaw jutting out slightly, hand tightened into a ball.

“You said you were hanging out with _me_ , why does it always have to be _her_?!”

“She’s my girlfriend, Yosuke.”

“So then what the hell am I?! What, am I, like... your _mistress_? Your _fuck buddy_? Your thing to do when you’re _bored_?! Am I really _that_ unimportant to you? God, Souji, you’ve been dating Yukiko, what, two months? Two and a half? She’s not the center of your fucking universe, you _can_ spend time with me when you fucking _promise_ to!”

Souji laughed ironically, putting his hands on his hips. “Yosuke, you act like _you_ should be the center of my universe. You’re not my boyfriend, Yosuke? You’re a friend. I’m not yours to have, alright? I was _never_ yours.”

The words stabbed Yosuke, and it only made him grow more angry. Angry with Souji, with himself, with everything until he felt his eyes well up again. “So then what am I?! Goddammit, Souji, if I’m not _that_ , then what am I?!”

 _Nothing_. _No one. Meaningless. Useless._

“I just fucking...” He felt the angry tears already spill over, but made no move to wipe them away or try and hide them. “I just fucking love you so _goddamn_ much, an’ I-I...” His voice cracked under the weight of the words, and a small flicker of hope in his chest lit at the declaration. He was hoping Souji would be overwhelmed, would say it back and this stupid fight would be over and done with, but his heart sank lower and lower with each passing second of silence.

“Yosuke.” Souji’s face hadn’t changed much. He didn’t see any love or happiness in it, just the normal stony expression with a slight hint of pity in grey eyes. “Yosuke, you’re a friend. I love Yukiko very much, and you’re just-“

“A f-friend...?” Yosuke repeated it more in disbelief. Had he _honestly_ expected Souji to magically fall in love with him at those words? That he’d drop Yukiko for him just because of a couple of _words_? He was a friend. Just a friend. A friend that he’d fool around with on the side and tell him he was special and hold him and kiss him and do everything but love him.

“Yosuke... I’m sorry, but... I love Yukiko. And I care about you, but this,” he gestured between the two of them. “Is just...” _Nothing_. “I don’t know... a fling, maybe. It’s just a way to have fun.”

“Then... is this it? For us...?” His voice was small and it cracked at the end and his face was hot with embarrassment and slick with tears.

Souji shook his head and stepped closer to Yosuke, pulling him in close and holding him tight, tucking Yosuke’s head under his chin and stroking his hair idly, pressing a kiss into the feathery mess. “I hope it isn’t. But, Yosuke?”

Yosuke made a small noise to urge him to continue.

“Don’t tell me that ever again.”

Yosuke’s heart dropped out of his chest and to the floor, and he cried harder than before, but nodded his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yosukestightpants helped me decide between depressing ending or really depressing (i went with the latter)


	10. Blue Jeans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! For bad eating disorders no no (among other bad things)

“So how’d it go?” Even over the phone, Chie sounded eager to hear how the night before had gone. She barely asked if Yosuke was feeling well after taking a day off before she jumped into the juicy details, noting how she saw Souji leave school in a rush and turning down offers to hang out after school. “Did you tell him?”

Yosuke sighed, closing his eyes and flopping an arm over his face. He’d spent the afternoon and most of the evening doing everything he could to _not_ think about last night or this afternoon or his confession.

Yosuke had spent the rest of the evening curled in Souji’s arms on his bed, his headphones pulled on and listening to music quietly. Normally people would consider it rude, but Souji had seemed to understand, distracting himself with gentle touches and soft kisses.

But it was bittersweet; he knew Souji and he would never be more, and he didn’t want to hear that Yosuke loved him ever again. His heart ached with every brush of the boy’s fingers against his cheek or sweep of hair from his face. At least before he confessed, he could pretend that Souji felt the same way, especially when he touched him like that and looked at him like that and kissed him _like that_.

But the image of him and Souji had shattered and what was left was the harsh reality. He was just something to do on the side, and nothing more.

Instead of dwelling on it until he got to a point of no return, he pushed it to the back of his mind and focused solely on Souji. Souji’s eyes, Souji’s skin, Souji’s lips, his hands, his neck, chest, voice, breathing, heartbeat... all of it. And eventually, he was no longer thinking of the rejection anymore, because he was still allowed to focus on all these things, still allowed to touch and kiss him and tell him he lo-

Well... that last one he couldn’t.

“Yosuke? You still there?” Chie’s tinny voice snapped him back, and he heard her swear under her breath, “God, I hate my phone...”

“Y-yeah, sorry.” He scrubbed his face with his free hand, groaning quietly at getting lost in his thoughts. Again. “I’m still here.”

“Well, then, how’d it go!” He could practically _hear_ Chie chewing on her lip in anticipation. He knew the _real_ reason why she wanted this all to work out: so she could get her best friend back and Souji would stop hurting her. He was actually surprised she hadn’t kicked his ass yet or spilled the beans; he couldn’t imagine she’d actually be doing any of this for him. He was the other man and was the last one that deserved any sympathy. “Did you tell him?”

He stayed silent for a minute longer, worrying his lip between his teeth and debating whether he should admit his rejection or just flat out lie. “Y-yeah...” Chie hadn’t done anything that would merit her anything short of the truth.

“You don’t sound so thrilled...” Her voice dropped and he inwardly winced, closing his eyes and sighing to fill up the deafening silence between them. “I’m really sorry, Yosuke.”

“It’s okay. It’ll... it’ll be okay.” After all, Souji hadn’t... well, not dumped him because they’re not in a relationship, but yeah, dumped him. He was still allowed to be with him, but only... physically? He could just keep his emotions to himself, right? Yeah, it’ll be alright. If he continued on like it never happened, he could still do whatever it is that would make Souji love him.

Right?

“You’ll find someone else, don’t worry.” Huh? “You’re a great guy, Yosuke. I know I don’t say it a whole lot, but...” she laughed quietly on the other end, “I love you, ‘kay? Rejection happens to the best of us, you just gotta keep fighting.”

“Chie, I-“

“Don’t expect me to say it again!” She spluttered. “I just don’t want you feeling down about this.”

Yosuke stayed silent. She thought that Yosuke had been dumped? He didn’t want to lie, but his tongue tangled itself into the words “Yeah, thanks...”

He felt a twinge in his chest when he heard Chie’s sigh of relief. Weren’t they supposed to be close? Hadn’t she been supporting him when he hadn’t deserved it, when he was hurting _her_ best friend? His stomach lurched and he felt his throat tighten, barely having enough time to excuse himself, throwing his phone on his bed and scrambling across his bedroom floor for his wastebasket, heaving his breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the small mound of paper balls and snack bags inside.

It just kept coming, his stomach kept wringing itself dry and he could feel the sting at the back of his eyes from it turning inside out.

 _Souji dating Yukiko._ Lurch. _Souji kissing him_. Heave. _Souji sneaking around with him._ Tug. _Souji slapping him._ Flip. _Souji sleeping with him._ Gag. _Souji standing him up._ Sob. _Souji –_

 _I’m not yours to have, I was_ never _yours –_

_\- rejecting him._

All of it came rushing back, the last few months, like his meals had come rushing up his throat and into the can. When there was nothing left to rid himself of, there were no images flashing in front of his eyes like a projector gone haywire, Yosuke collapsed back, holding his face in his shaking hands and crying quietly.

His stomach hurt, worse so with every wracking sob, but his whole body seemed to ache with a dull pain that coursed through his veins, from his jumping heart to the tips of his fingers.

He knew what it was, but he dared not say it. The last thing he wanted to admit now was this.

He wasn’t heartbroken. He was just broken.

 

* * *

 

 

Yosuke knew he wore his heart on his sleeve, but this was ridiculous. He’d suspect Chie had told the others about what happened, but he quickly rid himself of that thought; Chie wasn’t him, she would never do something to hurt another friend.

But that only meant Souji told everyone, and he _knew_ that that hadn’t happened. Regardless of whether everyone knew or not, they all treated him like he was... fragile.

Handle Yosuke carefully. Glass-boned Yosuke, paper-skinned Yosuke. Porcelain Yosuke.

Porcelain was probably the best way to describe him after the day before, although he hadn’t come to this realization yet. He _was_ fragile, like those fancy porcelain dolls he’d see in an antique shop’s window in his old neighbourhood. Just as delicate, as empty, and, as of late, pale. When he looked in the mirror, he was met with the same sad, glassy eyes that used to stare at him when he walked home.

His appetite lately had been waning, and what he _was_ able to get down didn’t always stay down for long. Especially if he saw Souji and Yukiko, or thought of them, or thought of his and Souji’s argument, or sometimes just thinking of Souji period.

He _needed_ Souji, so bad it ached and would turn his stomach over knowing he _couldn’t_ have him, _didn’t_ have him. He felt so empty, his chest just a hollowed out cavern, nothing but moths – _not butterflies, no, that was saved for happy lovers_ \- fluttering against his ribcage that made him want to hurl again when they incessantly tickled his stomach.

He never had Souji. And that thought was more painful than if they had never done anything in the first place. He had _stupidly_ thought that if he told him the truth, that that would magically fix everything and Souji would love him back and they’d be so happy together, but that shit only happened in fairy tales.

Yosuke had come to hate fairy tales. The beautiful princess _always_ got the hero. Yukiko got Souji. Yosuke wasn’t the main character; he was the stable boy, the hero’s apprentice, the friend that tried to convince the hero the princess wasn’t _worth_ the journey. He was the frog.

He hated to admit it, but he began to hate Yukiko, too. Inaba’s beautiful princess finally got her prince and Yosuke, with the luck he had, was left a frog. What did she have that he didn’t? A well-loved business? Traditional family? Pretty face? Hot body? A fucking _pussy_?

Souji’d made the wise choice, though. Who would ever choose _him_ over _her?_ No one. He was just lucky that he was even allowed to be friends with him, still allowed to _be_ with him in a way. It was a damn miracle he’d been Souji’s first.

_“You’re special, you know?” Souji’s lips pulled up into a half smile before placing themselves at Yosuke’s temple, pulling the other closer and burying his face in the feathery brown mess._

_“No I’m not...” Yosuke blushed, clutched a little tighter to the boy’s sleeve, breathing out a small laugh. “I’m just your average, ol’ teenage boy.”_

_“No...” Souji hummed softly, his breath ruffling the soft strands. “You’re different... Never met anyone like you, felt this way...”_

Souji couldn’t choose him, no... that wasn’t acceptable in this community. Not when it was someone as perfect as Yukiko as the other contender.

But... _god,_ he’d never _loved_ Yosuke. Or...

What had Yosuke done? Did he do something wrong that steered Souji away? It was Rise wasn’t it, when he _stupidly_ decided to make Souji jealous. Or maybe he was too clingy. Maybe he just wasn’t _good_ in bed – that’s all they seemed to do that was outside the boundaries of friendship.

He could be better. Do better. Do whatever it was that Souji wanted, and he hoped, _prayed_ that that would make Souji love him back.

He just couldn’t help but feel like it was hopeless, but he had to make the effort.

It was just so damn _hard_ when he was subjected to the stomach curdling sight of Yukiko in his lap, giggling away while trying to teach him how to fold the napkins the way they do at the inn at lunch. He could barely look up from his untouched bento, staring down quietly and picking at it, eating a grain of rice here, a nibble of meat there, rolling vegetables over and over again until he was sure he saw them at every angle.

Chie tried engaging him in a conversation about music to get his mind off, and even Kanji tried to cheer him up by setting himself up for an absolute _ton_ of jokes that his senpai would normally have jumped on. Yosuke didn’t hear them though, could only hear Yukiko’s soft giggles and Souji’s breathy, indecipherable whispers as if each syllable was a shell dropped five feet from him. He couldn’t stand it anymore-

_\- Yukiko’s hands gently brushing his, his hands dwarfing hers-_

 - couldn’t stand the thought –

\- “ _You’re so beautiful...” –_

\- the sound –

\- “ _So special...” –_

 _-_ the sight –

\- “ _love you...”_

Yosuke stood up abruptly, his lunch falling out of his lap and onto the concrete floor of the roof – _whatever, it was shitty Junes bento_ \- rushed to the door, swinging it open with all his might and flew down the flight of stairs, holding one hand to his mouth to hold it in, hold that _stupid_ grain of rice in, stay down, _stay down,_ please, god, just a little longer...

He threw open the bathroom stall door and fell to his knees, clutching at the toilet bowl and gagging, his stomach trying desperately to rid itself of the black bile that churned inside, but nothing came up, nothing more than spittle that clung to his trembling lower lip until its relentless quivering broke it free.

His eyes stung with the wretching, the pain that came from his stomach trying to dislodge itself from Yosuke’s body. Not even his internal organs wanted to stick around with him. His throat tightened and he let out one dry sob, swiping at the tears that dotted the corners of his eyes.

He felt like he was dying. Maybe he was. He hoped he was. He hoped this was all some horrible stomach disease that would leave him dead on the tiled floor in the third story bathroom. He hoped Souji would be the one to find him. Wanted to punish him, punish himself. Souji _did_ this to him, made him sick, made him weak, made him ache with an overwhelming _need_ for someone, for their smiles, their kindness, their touch.

No, it wasn’t Souji. He let _himself_ get this way. He’d always relied on others, on their approval, their – _ha –_ love _._ If it wasn’t Souji, it would have been someone else, probably. He was so desperately _needy_ , it made him sick.

No, it wouldn’t have been anyone else. Only Souji. He loved Souji. Loved him so much he’d slit his own wrists just to bleed it out, to get that stupid _ache_ he felt run through his veins every time he thought of Souji, how Souji wasn’t his. God, he’d step in front of a train if Souji only asked him to.

When his stomach had calmed down, the moths had settled down and clung to his rib cage, and his chest ceased its shaky, inaudible sobs, he washed his face and returned to the roof, not really wanting to, but his feet had a mind of their own. His body made decisions for him now, it didn’t matter what he wanted, it never mattered. He just didn’t care anymore.

When he returned though, he was met with a small circle of concerned and confused expressions. Chie looked like she was going to start crying, Rise looked like she knew exactly what was going in Yosuke’s head, Kanji looked sympathetic – _ha, like he deserved any of his kouhai’s sympathy_ – even Yukiko looked like she was worried for his well-being.

Steel eyes stared at him like nothing was wrong though, almost coldly, _don’t blow this, Yosuke._ Souji seemed like he was the only one that couldn’t give two shits about him, and suddenly, it didn’t matter _who_ cared about him, his friends’ concern was thoroughly forgotten, why, _why_ didn’t Souji care?

“I-I...” He just stared back, feeling the heat rise, flushed over his neck and pooled in his cheeks and the tips of his ears, the rest of his body feeling numb in comparison. He totally forgot he was in the presence of his other friends. “I-I’m sorry...” He managed to finish, his voice cracking. Souji gave him a sharp look before his eyes darted around to indicate the others were still very much around and still very much listening, and Yosuke noted his fist tightening ever so slightly on his knee.

“I don’t think I-I’m feeling very well.” He said, tearing his eyes away from Souji to look at his friends.

“Perhaps you should go home, get some rest.” Yukiko said quietly. His heart tugged; how could she still be so _nice_ to him, treat him with such kindness, actually be concerned for him when _he_ was hurting her so badly.

“Y-yeah, that sounds good. Thanks, I think I’ll do that.” He managed a weak smile in the girl’s direction and received a gentle one in return, and that only pushed him further down than he already felt.

He wasn’t the frog in this story, he was the villain. The evil step-mother, the witch, fucking _Gaston_ or some shit. Souji was the prince that rode in to save the princess, and Yukiko was the victim here. He was bitching and whining about himself, how _his_ heart was broken, how _he_ was sick, how _he_ hated Souji – _no, no, love Souji, love him so_ goddamn _much, god... –_ when _he_ was the villain.

He didn’t deserve her kindness. No one’s kindness, no one’s concern. He wished the ground would just swallow him up and everyone would forget him, Yosuke who?

He turned on his heel, scooping up his school bag and slinging it over his shoulder, not even offering a goodbye to his friends, not even a glance in that direction, mostly out of fear of what he’d see.

He didn’t look at his phone even when it buzzed in his pocket – sympathy texts no doubt – and didn’t even bother pulling out his umbrella when it began to drizzle. By the time he made it home, his skin was slick and ice cold, but he felt none of it, just kicked off his muddy shoes and trudged upstairs where he collapsed on his bed and stared at his ceiling until the shadows stretched further and further along it and a soft orange glow bathed the room.

“Yosuke?” Teddie’s voice was small, his knock soft on the door. Yosuke didn’t look up, barely heard him until it was repeated and he let out a small hum. The door creaked open and the small boy poked his head in, Yosuke’s eyes darting to his face after another moment of silence. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Teddie so serious.

“Yosuke, Chie-chan told me you were sick at school today. Are you okay?” Yosuke shook his head and Teddie stepped further into the room. “I can make you some tea.” Another shake of the head; Teddie didn’t even know _how_ to make tea anyway, and would probably destroy the kitchen trying.

There was another long stretch of silence, the air thick and heavy in his lungs, but Yosuke didn’t move, didn’t even tear his eyes away from the ceiling save for when Teddie entered. The other boy shifted from foot to foot anxiously, before his voice, barely above a whisper cut the quiet.

“Yosuke? Are you sad?” Another minute before Yosuke nodded slowly, swallowing around the lump in his throat. Teddie padded over quietly, climbing into his bed next to Yosuke and curling around the boy, pulling him close, one arm slung over him and his small head resting on Yosuke’s chest. Yosuke patted his head gently, appreciating the gesture, but it only made his chest tightened.

It still wasn’t Souji.

 

* * *

 

 

Teddie had left him after about a half hour of stiff silence, and only his mother had poked her head in after that when it was beginning to get dark, saying something about dinner. He only answered her, saying his stomach felt queasy, just so maybe she wouldn’t suspect anything more was up, and she left quietly after that.

It turned out she said that her and his father were going to be going out for dinner with some important executives and she was asking if he wanted her to make him anything. He realized this when he heard the car pull out and Teddie whisper through the door he was going to the Dojima residence to play with Nanako-chan. _Smart bear_ , he thought, _they’ll feed him there._

He only moved when his phone buzzed and he saw the little picture of Souji flash on his screen. He took that without telling Souji, caught him off-guard completely. It was his favourite picture of him...

He let it ring a few times, just staring at it as it slowly moved its way across his table top with every buzz before he reached over and hit the answer button.

“Hello?” His voice was groggy and he cleared his throat quietly.

“I’m outside.” Souji said simply, and Yosuke finally sat up. He wanted to ask why, but he didn’t really care why, _Souji_ was here. He needed to let him in.

He flew down the stairs and pulled the door open just as quickly to see Souji shake the bit of rain that had fallen in silver strands – he’d apparently closed his umbrella a little early and it was still drizzling out.

“H-hi...” he said a little breathlessly, already leading the other upstairs to his room to talk privately, though no one was home. “What brings you here?” A small, weak smile cracked his face; it felt unnatural to smile today, like he was stretching his mouth to wide or his teeth were too big for his mouth or _something_.

“You.” Yosuke’s heart fluttered ever so slightly. “What happened earlier?” His heart sank like a rock.

“I wasn’t feeling well...” He said solemnly, his shoulders dropping.

“It was more than that, Yosuke. Tell me.”

“I-I...” _don’t want to_ , he wanted to finish, but just shut his mouth. Saying that wouldn’t make Souji happy, wouldn’t make him love him.

“Yosuke.” Souji took the boy’s chin in his hand gently, tilting it up to look him in the eye, giving him a soft yet authoritative look. “Tell me.”

Yosuke swallowed hard. “Just... ever since yesterday...” His voice cracked and he could feel his eyes sting and he pulled away to blink any tears back and breathe deeply.

“Yosuke, if this is too difficult for you, then maybe we should st-“

“No!” Yosuke panicked, his eyes wide and his head snapping up to meet the others. “Just i-it’s so hard when I see... you and her together, and I c-can’t...”

“Yosuke, you’re going to have to.” Souji said sternly. “I’m not breaking up with her, and I’m not going to hide things with her.”

“Why not?!” Yosuke could feel the black bile turn into a damn whirlpool in his stomach, filling up his chest until he was sure it was going to seep out of his mouth and eyes.

“Because she’s my girlfriend!”

“You hide things with me!” Nose too.

“Because I’m not _yours_! This is just for _fun_ , remember?”

Wasn’t very fun anymore. “You’re not mine, but I’m _yours_?”

“Fuck, Yosuke, this is not what I came over for...” Souji pushed back his hair and half turned away, breathing deeply.

“Then what’d you come here for? Another pity fuck for poor fragile Yosuke? Poor Yosuke who’s so desperately...” Shit. “Who really cares about you?”

He could see the dangerous look shot in his direction. “Didn’t seem that way today. You almost completely blew _everything_ in front of Yukiko and the others.”

What? “O-of course I care, I said I was sorry!” He could feel the tears well up again and it felt like someone had tied a neat little bow around each lung in his chest. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, I was just really upset, I-I’m sorry, I really care, I do, so much...”

“Show me.”

Yosuke’s heart pounded against his chest, his eyes already blurry and his face wet. When he started crying he had no idea, but... “Wh-what?”

“Show me.” Souji repeated. “Show me you care, show me you’re sorry.”

“H-how?” His stomach clenched. Souji just simply walked over to his bed and sat down on it, undoing his belt and looking at Yosuke expectantly.

His stomach lurched. He was upset, he was crying and they had just been yelling at each other and Souji wanted him to try _that_? He’d never even done that before, and the idea of doing it didn’t really appease him and Souji wanted him to do that now.

Yosuke dropped his shoulders and hung his head in defeat, walking silently over to the bed and dropping to his knees in between the boy’s legs with a heavy thud. If this is how he’d prove it to Souji, show him he really did love him, that he’d do _anything_ for him, then he’ll do it.

He raised his hands to the other’s fly, hesitating once and looking up to see Souji was watching him closely, intensely. Swallowing hard under that gaze, he pulled it down and eased his hand in his pants, rubbing in small, smooth circles at the soft bulge.

God, he wasn’t even _hard_ , was Yosuke really that repulsive? He moved his fingers carefully, cautiously stroking him hoping this would work, it _needed_ to, but oh god, what would come after this...

He swallowed hard a second time, and Souji made a small noise, probably mistaking it for eagerness or maybe he was doing something right with his hand. It _was_ beginning to stiffen, and that was good, meant he wasn’t screwing it up. He let his fingers ghost over it, rubbed his thumb once over the tip through the fabric, and this elicited a groan from the one above.

His face felt tight after the streaks had dried on his face and his eyes hurt, but at least he’d stopped crying, right? It had gone from a fight to this, and this was better, meant Souji couldn’t be _that_ mad, he still wanted him. When the hardness was evident and standing at full attention in his hand, he knew he couldn’t stall any longer – if he did, Souji would walk right out and go to Yukiko’s or something, and he _couldn’t_ have that, couldn’t go to anyone for this, not when he was so willing and loved him so _goddamn_ much...

He pulled the boxers over it and hesitated again. He didn’t even want to _look_ at it, his eyes searching for something else to focus on, but it was difficult considering his position. Heat pooled in his cheeks, and his hands gripped at his own knees, which were beginning to hurt from the hardwood floor. He mustered up all his courage – _Souji, it’s Souji, you’re doing this for Souji, it’ll make him happy, maybe he’ll love you, it’s not that big a’deal, he did it for_ you _, you selfish prick –_ and leaned in, hesitating one last time before flicking at the hardened flesh with his tongue experimentally, followed by a bolder lick.

Souji’s hands tangled themselves in tumbled brown hair, pulling Yosuke further and he allowed himself to be guided, his heart beating hard against his chest, but all he could think of was Souji, how Souji wanted this, wanted _him_ , and that made everything better. He obediently opened his mouth when the tip pressed against closed lips and taking him in. He vaguely heard Souji groan at being sheathed, but the blood pumping in his ears was drowning everything else out.

He sucked quietly at the tip, trying to take things slow, trying to get used to the dull pain in his jaw and the bitter taste on his tongue, but Souji pulled him forward more, and Yosuke’s eyes flew open in panic, could feel it slide further into his mouth. His hands jumped up to the boy’s thighs, scratched at the fabric, but stopped shortly after. _Souji, this was for Souji, Souji’ll be happy_. He shut his eyes tight, tears dotting the corners of his eyes from the strain and stretched his jaw as far as it would, let his head be guided further down and did his absolute best to not gag and failed miserably.

His fists tightening in Souji’s pants and his coughing around him didn’t seem to faze Souji in the least bit, pulling him further until Yosuke’s nose was buried in a mess of curls, overwhelmingly musky and pungent and made him gag more, but he breathed deeply around the boy and took it all in stride. He was starting to feel like he _couldn’t_ breathe, his nose buried to in the mess, Souji’s hips twitching, until he felt the hold on his head loosen and he slid back to take in a much needed breath around the length.

Souji’s breath was beginning to shake and although Yosuke was _damn_ uncomfortable, a warmth spread in his belly knowing that it was _because_ of him that Souji was like this, that he could get him this way. If he did well, Souji’d praise him, want him, _love him_ , and that thought alone made him move back down, sucking hard and letting his eyes slide shut.

His tongue moved in ways he thought would feel good, and the sounds Souji made told him it did. Souji’s hands tightened in Yosuke’s hair with every bob down and his nails scraped against his scalp with a sharp pain, and Yosuke would wince, make a soft sound that only made Souji pull at his hair _harder_.

It hurt. His jaw hurt, his throat felt tight, and he thought Souji’d ripped out half his hair, and he tried speeding things along, sucked harder, bobbed faster, tried to get this over with as quickly as he could, wanted it to just be _over_ already.

When Souji breathed in sharply, fists grasping roughly at mussed hair and pulled Yosuke’s head until his nose was buried again in a strong, pungent odour, hips bucking erratically, Yosuke braced himself, squeezed his eyes shut and worked his throat when he felt the hot spurts at the back of his throat. He tried swallowing it all, trying to as fast as he could so he could pull away and breathe already, but he couldn’t keep up, could feel the slimy, bitter substance fill his mouth and dribble out past stretched and swollen lips and he sobbed, humiliated that he’d let it get this way, thankful it was dark out and they hadn’t turned on any lights in his room.

When he was sure it was over, after swallowing all there was, he pulled away, coughing and spluttering wiping what was left of Souji’s semen from around his mouth, his hands shaking and his cheeks burning.

He wanted to hide away, hide under his covers for the rest of his life but Souji was sitting on them. He didn’t want to be seen, _don’t look at me, don’t look at me_. But Souji pulled him up gently, wrapped his arms around him and left a lingering kiss on his cheek and suddenly he didn’t want to shy away.

“That was amazing...” Souji whispered quietly against Yosuke’s cheek, dotting it with another kiss.

Souji was happy, which meant Yosuke was happy. Maybe if he kept this up, Souji would love him.

Despite that, he still felt sick, but ignored the black bile churning in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is 'cause I was listening to Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey on repeat while writing this one ahaha


End file.
